Saturday, April 12, 2008

Wombat Rape

Things have a funny old way of working out.

Though people who know me know sometimes I wear eyeliner for cheap thrills, on the whole I like to be a winner which means I don’t really take an interest in poor people, ugly people, stupid people and particularly . . . boring people and thier problems.

But we’ve all got tests to face. I’ve been meaning to blog about my recent religious experiences.

You see growing up in grey lynn I was taught from a young age that it’s okay for a man to put his penis up another man’s bottom, that voting national is wrong no matter how much you earn, and that believing in god is for uneducated people.

It is said that a man is really two men.

The man he is and the man he wants to be.

The man I want to be would probably date more models, but more importantly, wouldn’t have missed the awesome party last night.

But we all have tests to face and challenges to overcome. It is the will of the universe. The idea that the will of the universe is an old man who has a beard and sits on a cloud is obviously the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard.

Sometimes you have to miss an awesome party in order to maintain your commitment to becoming, superior, smug, and dating more models.

Is it destiny, is it the will of the universe, is it some dude with a beard?

What’s the difference?

Things have a funny old way of working out.

Sometimes you work out and do your crunches to some driving drum’n bass.

Sometimes you put on some indie and think about a girl you used to know.

Sometimes you pump up an 80’s power anthem and punch the air because you’re a winner.

We’re following up on recent goat rape news with this wombat-strikes-back report.

>NEW Zealand man has been sentenced to community work after telling police he was raped by a wombat and the experience had made him speak "Australian".

Arthur Ross Cradock, 48, from the South Island town of Motueka, called police on February 11 and told them he was being raped at his home by the wombat and he needed help, The Nelson Mail newspaper reported.

The orchard worker later called back and said: "Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right, you know."

Cradock pleaded guilty in the local court to using a phone for a fictitious purpose. He was sentenced to 75 hours’ community work.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court alcohol played a large role in Cradock’s life.

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