Aw shucks + trademe: where kiwis buy, sell and stalk

You guys have gotta shut up.

Just recently. I miss you guys too. I miss writing the bulletins and all that. Just over the last week or so y’know.

Seeing one of my old bulletins reposted in some random chicks blog. Getting recognised here and there. Opening up my myspace messages for the first time in months to see not threats and reprimands but but . . . you really like me . . .

Oh Christ, I was only hoping Ambrozia may have written to me! Shut up, I love her! I know most of you don’t know what that means so fuck you. I won’t go on about it. But check it I got some mean tiger penis pics:

Oh that’s last bulletin. Sheesh sorry.

check it out at the tiger penis kids official myspace page and make sure you add them on up for imminent youtube excitement!

http://www.myspace.com/tigerpeniskids

oh come on one more time:







But yes. anyway. If it was meant to be, then the mighty power of the tigers penis will lead me to her.

Maybe that’s why I want it so badly. Y'know, my show that is. The reason I stopped dicking around on myspace. That I would get my shit together and return triumphant . . . and searching, but not going anywhere . . . the only triumph is reality. The only story is the truth. And I’m searching for a truth that is in what I want, because what I want is who I am.

What the fuck am I on about? Basically, I like being rich now and having all the status and naked celebrity pics the tiger penis has bought me, but . . . I'm an attention whore with delusions of grandeur, and thats the path that lies before me.

What the fuck happened? See this is classic Matt. I was gonna get excited. About telling you that everything is falling into place. The casting for The Tiger Penis Kids team has been pretty successful. Things are happening.

HEY WAIT A SECOND . . .

OH MY FUCKING GOD. YOU IDIOT. Why didn’t I think???

Ambrozia’s got a personalized fucking plate!!!

I can just get her address from her registration up at the post office!!!

AND AND AND wait . . . what if I google it . . . . .

. . .

OH MY GOD SHE FUCKING PUT IT ON TRADEME

TRADEME YOU MOTHERFUCKIN BITCHES!!!!

YESS!!! YESS!!!

I FOUND HER!!! I FOUND HER ON FUCKIN TRADEME!!!!

Do I tell her? Do I have to buy the fucking ladies trousers just to get her to speak to me?

Did I not fucking say the tiger penis would lead me home? I didn’t realise it would like happen 20 seconds later . . . well . . .

such is the mysterious magic of the tiger penis!!!!!!

strange and mystical are it's ways!!!

Why did it happen now? Because it was meant to be.

I have an overwhelming urge to sabotage this with a smug comment. I mean come on, thats why my fans love me. I always manage to fuck it up for myself.

How about:

“Will you marry me? And do you have a buy now?”

“Can I pick up? How about dinner at 8?”

“Well I do want to get into your pants . . .”

I guess I’m just stoked. I did it. I found her. I’m sir Sherlock the Sleuthmaster, and that is how I shall be known from henceforth.

But I am commited to my show. I am commited to engineering the moment when I turn up to buy those trademe trousers into a moment of aching youtube gold.

In all honesty it will be pretty boring if I get the girl straight away without a good stalk.

It would be much more sinister if I sent someone to buy the pants and I like got all freaky voodoo on that shit. And creeped around in her yard in the middle of the night with the trousers on my head.

But with fundamental difference - the cameras will be rolling this time.

RC is hotting up for summer, baby. Heat on the beat.