Classic Myspace Bulletins 17: Turkey Berzerkey

The Tales of Turkey Berserkey


Turkey Berserkey. The name goes back eons to a time in Grey Lynn before the coming of the real estate agents, in this time when hipsters huddle in fear of eviction under the force of market speculation. A time when Grey Lynn was over run with what were known as “scabby dogs”, who ran in vicious packs terrorizing children, and doing poo-poos on the verge.

But not Turkey. He believed the scabby dogs were our friends. He ran amongst them. He called upon them as if they were his “Army”. A dog army. Of which he was the head, and the artist Askew was his deputy, and every scabby dog who roamed the park was an ally and a friend. And as we stepped into a new, anti-nuclear age, it was an army of salvation, that dogs might no longer bite the children coming to and from school, but were probably likely to still do poo-poos.

In ’88 a band was formed. Turks on vocals. Sloppy Kiss on Sax. Zeb on Synth and Herbie (who some may remember from the first Treasure Island) taking up the rhythm with paintbrushes on wooden chairs, and Meauli on the shakers. They called themselves “The Droogs” after the ultra-violent group of futuristic teens from Burgess’ dystopic classic “A Clockwork Orange”.

The smash hit “Barnip by Barnip by Binny bong” took Richmond Rd Primary by storm. The lyrics were as such.

I was walking down the street when I saw a Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)
She was so Barney I had to be a Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)

Barnip-by-Barnip-by-Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong)
Barnip-by-Barnip-by-Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong)

I took her to the Barning dressed in Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)
We did the Barndog and the Binny Binny Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)

Barnip-by-Barnip-by-Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong)
Barnip-by-Barnip-by-Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong)

We got Barnied and had a Binny Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)
We’re so Barnip in a happy little Binny Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)


Critics raved:
“It’s a deconstructive metaphor for pop culture. The parameters have been reconstituted. The subject has been recontextualised. “Barnip” is a new, bold face on the horizon of modern music.”
But teachers were up in arms, citing lewd references included in the song penned by the precocious 9 year olds. But they were loved, and they were a force that could not be stopped.

But their return performance at the school fundraiser was to fall spectacularly apart at the seams when Sloppy Kiss buckled under the pressure and was forced to go offstage, shattering the confidence of the newly crowned group, and the performance went down in flames. Some have speculated an infection of girl germs or possible kooties, while others stated the groups fondness for coke, and other fizzy drinks.

Girl germs have certainly pointed to a decline in Turks activities, though it has recently been suggested as a heady 6 year old he had been implicated as the key financier in a plot to blow up the school with battery acid. Over a 6 week period Turks is believed to have sourced as much as $20 from his mothers spare change kitty, which was poured into the purchase of batteries. When the embezzlement was discovered, Turk took the deal and fingered his partners as the ring leaders.

Speculation and supposition of later activities is rife. For as if harkening some kind of primal return, Grey Lynn Park was said to be inhabited on afternoons by those named as the “Togpeople” or the “Togmen” of which there was a mighty “Togman”. It was a secret society of individuals from many schools, that eschewed the Paddling Pool as the realm of “babies” and took to mischievous behaviour and absurd acts, wearing upon their heads their togs and donning their towels as great, flowing capes, whereas footwear would be worn upon the hands. It was then that the jealously guarded secret of the Grey Lynn Park Treasure Tree began. Some say it still functions to this day.

Remnants of this movement were known to have latched on to the “Viking Club” another such secret society where mysterious rites took place, for the inner sanctum was only accessible by members of the highest of 33 orders and was said to contain cigarettes and pictures of naked ladies, as this was where they would gather to indulge in the mysterious practice that is to "Vike".

All that is known is now, he brings a proud history of Grey Lynn heritage to the Compound team, that echoes through the ages as surely now as do them natty synthesizers that make you just gotta bop.
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