Reality Compound

Chicks in Space featuring Matt's brain a memory stick

2008-04-12T20:19:00.002+12:00

Chicks in space featuring matts brain on a memory stick

I’m on this whole colonisation of space trip.

My mate’s always going on about how the world is headed for disaster.

Me, I’m pretty confident in technology. The internet is making the global community a reality.

That’s why I hate hippies protesting about GE and nuclear power. Where mature (green) free market societies can rise so GE and nuclear power will not be used by white corporate fucks to fuck poor peoples asses . . . it’ll save our asses.

If we run out of oil we’ll synthesize it with biofeul.

If we run out of water making biofeul we’ll synthesize it with nuclear powered desalinators (y’know so we can water plants with the sea and stuff)

But all those poor people overseas will keep starving! We seriously need more condoms. Thats not a joke.

Things will probably get a bit nasty in our lifetimes, but we’ll get through. And with the advances in genetics . . .

what if people born in the 20th century were the last humans to die? That’d suck!

Then it’s off to space.

You know those ultra feminists how they don’t need men, y’know the "as long as there’s sperm on ice then we’re good without men" types?

Well, I just bummed out.

Boys won’t be going to colonise space. We’ll take up too much room. Way more room than a sperm bank. It’ll just add to the cost and damage to the atmosphere when you launch extra shit into space, in this case, like dudes.

Chicks will colonise space.

See THERE’s a movie I might be interested in watching. Like hot chicks on Saturn and aliens and stuff.

Well I’m still going to space before I die. Look down on the earth. That will be a trip.

Literally. By the time I get to that age I’m going to liberally self medicating. Dying of old age will be considered so 21st century.

But then I’m just going to upload to my brain and like chill. Then email it to the girls out on the moons of Saturn we’re they’ll have grown me a nice clone to download my brain into.

SWEEEEEEET

YES TONIGHT WE’RE GONNA PARTY LIKE ITS TWO THOUSAND AND NINETY NINE!!!!

Why do girls do myspace surveys?

2008-04-12T20:11:00.000+12:00

Why do girls do surveys???

I have met some amazing chicks here in my time on myspace.

Intelligent women. Creative women. Beautiful women.

But they just can’t stay away from those dumb surveys where they tell everyone all these boring trivial minute details of their mundane lives!!!

Is it a deep genetic impulse known as the cleo/cosmo reflex?

Not a lot of research is available on the subject.

(ie by googling "why do girls do myspace surveys")

But it has been mooted that chicks are very much into "self discovery" and learning about "who they really are".

See I already know I’m smarter than most people I meet it’s just up to me to make more money and date more models to prove it - oh and of course to present this ultra rationalised shallow facade to the world and see who buys it.

but this bulletin isn’t about that.

It’s about another funny old thing I’ve noticed, I even do it myself.

Look at your comments. Especially your PCs.

Have you noticed how often people say the same thing as others without even thinking?

For example:

One person says "Hey Matt, cool pic, nice hair, blah blah . . . "

the chances that the next people to comment will start with the word "hey", will use the adjective "cool" or mention my "hair" is dramatically increased.

I dunno, maybe people don’t really think that much.

Or they tend to treat their brains as a sponge for soaking things up and squeezing them out, rather than a muscle and working it.

See if you notice what I’m talking about

Wombat Rape

2008-04-12T20:05:00.001+12:00

Things have a funny old way of working out.

Though people who know me know sometimes I wear eyeliner for cheap thrills, on the whole I like to be a winner which means I don’t really take an interest in poor people, ugly people, stupid people and particularly . . . boring people and thier problems.

But we’ve all got tests to face. I’ve been meaning to blog about my recent religious experiences.

You see growing up in grey lynn I was taught from a young age that it’s okay for a man to put his penis up another man’s bottom, that voting national is wrong no matter how much you earn, and that believing in god is for uneducated people.

It is said that a man is really two men.

The man he is and the man he wants to be.

The man I want to be would probably date more models, but more importantly, wouldn’t have missed the awesome party last night.

But we all have tests to face and challenges to overcome. It is the will of the universe. The idea that the will of the universe is an old man who has a beard and sits on a cloud is obviously the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard.

Sometimes you have to miss an awesome party in order to maintain your commitment to becoming, superior, smug, and dating more models.

Is it destiny, is it the will of the universe, is it some dude with a beard?

What’s the difference?

Things have a funny old way of working out.

Sometimes you work out and do your crunches to some driving drum’n bass.

Sometimes you put on some indie and think about a girl you used to know.

Sometimes you pump up an 80’s power anthem and punch the air because you’re a winner.

We’re following up on recent goat rape news with this wombat-strikes-back report.

>NEW Zealand man has been sentenced to community work after telling police he was raped by a wombat and the experience had made him speak "Australian".

Arthur Ross Cradock, 48, from the South Island town of Motueka, called police on February 11 and told them he was being raped at his home by the wombat and he needed help, The Nelson Mail newspaper reported.

The orchard worker later called back and said: "Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right, you know."

Cradock pleaded guilty in the local court to using a phone for a fictitious purpose. He was sentenced to 75 hours’ community work.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court alcohol played a large role in Cradock’s life.

Beastiality bonus

2008-04-12T19:57:00.000+12:00

oh the questions that remain . . . how did he get caught???

Was it a boy or a girl goat? was the goat underage? Pretty shabby journalism really.

I mean seriously. HOW did he get caught?

Did someone say to the goat . . . "show me on this doll where the man touched you?"

Final name suppression was granted today to a North Canterbury man who admitted trying to have sex with a goat.

In Rangiora District Court, Judge Brian Callaghan ordered the man, who turns 69 tomorrow, to undergo two years of intense supervision.

Judge Callaghan said the behaviour was "unusual, perverse and depraved" but his family, including the man’s wife, continued to support him and publication of his name would negatively affect any chances of his rehabilitation.

"It is unfortunate that cases of this nature, the way things are, attract overwhelming media publicity," the judge said.

"There is no doubt a prurient interest (in the case) that people will want to read about. Unfortunately that is human nature."

He said he believed the man’s wife was "bearing the greatest burden here".

The judge noted the man’s previous sexual offending against pre-pubescent girls more than 20 years ago, which, he said, might explain why he chose an animal to satisfy his sexual urges.

"You are a sad case, really," Judge Callaghan said. "This is such perverse and depraved behaviour it reflects a person of enormous deficiency in personality."

At his earlier appearance the court was told the man believed he would not get caught because "animals couldn’t talk" and he would not be "told on".

He had pleaded guilty then to the charge of attempting to commit bestiality with a goat.

Police said the man admitted taking the goat to the rear of his small lifestyle property in a rural township and trying to have sex with it.

After the unsuccessful attempt, the man did up his trousers, patted the goat and walked off.

"He was contrite but said he was unable to stop the behaviour," the police prosecutor said.

Urging Judge Callaghan to grant final name suppression, lawyer Andrew McCormick said the man had "significant personal problems", was unsophisticated, and as an "untreated sex offender" was at a high risk of reoffending.

When the public became aware of earlier offending against children he’d been "run out of town" and suffered regular beatings.

He’d suffered the "full spotlight of the public" and believed he was a prisoner in his own home, fearful of going out because of public hostility.

The man also suffered from a number of medical conditions, including sexual dysfunction.

"If this man’s identity is before the public, he and his family would become pariahs in the community," Mr McCormick said.

Judge Callaghan noted the maximum penalty for similar offending had been reduced from life imprisonment at the turn of the 20th century to one of 3-1/2 years.

But he said he believed a jail sentence was not warranted despite the "niggling issue of sexual offending against young females over 20 years ago".

Classic myspace bulletin 42: We don't need your fucking vote

2008-04-12T17:55:00.002+12:00

We don't need your fucking vote

Live and Local? Play at the BDO? Yeah yeah yeah, we know all about that . . . like we need you fucking voting for us in some fuckin' shitty competition to think we're cool . . . fuck that!

We'd just kick everyones arse. Bullshit? Um, like . . . 1200 friends?
Yeah, I said it. But who wants a bunch of shitheads like us playing at the BDO, anyway, we'd be a fucking embarrassment. And like we'd wanna play first thing in the morning to a bunch of twatty squares who turn up before mid-day.

We wanna be in the box with the buffet like fucking last year hanging with Brooke Fraser'n shit, we could be her bit of rough. Then cause a scene, clast some Icons, meet some spunky birds, maybe make half an effort to catch Soulwax, Go! Team, see if Iggy can make it through his set without needing a stretcher . . . but yeah then piss off back to the Compound for a shindig or hootinanny, because it maybe our only chance to hang with our out of town myspace friends.

Vote for one of these guys because they are our friends on myspace too, and obviously desperately need it:

Inverse order
Tomorrow Comes in Silence
Teen Wolf
The Rabble

Well only one of these bands are definately hipster. One of them has a fuckin dumb name and one of them is a bunch of bullshit sell outs. It's amazing they haven't sold their own . . . manager.

But y'know, yeah BDO. way fuckin' hey! Why not stop acting like a human and become part of an obsessive mega throng of scum sucking vampires crawling over one another to get to your fucking precious scene royalty - just for a day? Sounds good.
M.I.A's only playing in Australia. What a fucking crock of shit.

Let's hang around outside and Compound some Reality. Give scenesters shit. Meet some nice birds to add to our collection.
See ya there.

Dei Hamo's gonna rock . . . pfft - as soon as Common turns up it's gonna be NZ Hip Hop sit the fuck down . . .

Addendum

So what is the difference between Slipknot and The Wiggles? Don't fuckin' laugh it's a serious question!

Both dress up in funny costumes and play for little kids. I swear it was fucking Trick or Treat there were so many 12-year-olds walking round in facepaint.

"broom broom big red car" ?

Do they do that one?

Evil, man. Throw up ya fuckin' goats, maggots!

Oh yeah? Why not come down here and call me a maggot, you fuckin' tosser!

Surprised:
Beastie Boys
John Spencer

Impressed:
Shapeshifter

Let down:
Le Tigre

Pointing, laughing and shaking our heads:
Savage

Fuck Off:
The Streets. If that talent free zone can get a slot, then maybe we should be playing!

RC Essentials: Scotty Rocker vs. Reality

2008-04-12T17:47:00.001+12:00

Scotty vs Reality (kinda like a Mills & Boon)

As you may know, Scotty Rocker has accepted our request and added Reality Compound!!! So super mega uber happening or what?

But it hasn’t been without it’s dramas though, compound fans!!! Scotty has been quick to admonish us in the appropriate way to express our devotion for an idol of his stature, with respect and humility.

But it’s kinda like a Mills & Boon, where unbridled passions are often manifested early in the story, foreshadowing the turgid, lusty encounters to come.

NB: The producers would like to mention that Scotty has never made any indication whatsoever that he is a homosexual. Any reference to Scotty’s homosexuality is a mere projection of fantasy on the part of Reality Compound, and perhaps this guy Samwise, who suggested to us he might be.

Case in point:

Streetwise Scarlet (comment No. 261 / Nov 28, 2005)

I imagine Scotty has'nt added you because he is really struggling with his homosexuality at the moment and will most definately be trying to avoid all temptation.

Samwise.

TRANSCRIPTIONS AS FOLLOWS:

Sender: scottyrocker

Subject: dick

Body:

who are you? why you being a fuckhead? take my photo off your page and stop being an asshole. U want to make fun of me? come do it to my face. i like all sorts of music so me not adding you wouldnt be cos i didnt like your music. You calling me a homo? you sit on your computer and talk shit cos your a fuckin pussy.your the homo

Sender: Reality Compound

Hey Scott, bro.

I can see how you might have the wrong impression about our thoughts and actions towards you, and I’m sorry if we’ve upset you in any way. It was not our intention.

We are not Fuckheads. We are a bunch of guys who live in Grey Lynn and make hipster music.

I don’t think it is fair for you to ask us to remove your picture from our page. We have not doctored it or changed it in any way from how it appears on your page, and to be honest, would it be fair for Motley Crue to ask you to remove the picture of them from your page? Wouldn’t that come across a little mean-spirited? If you insist, we will consider it, but I don’t think we’re doing anything wrong.

We can’t stop being Assholes, Scotty, we are K rd Hipsters and it’s kinda what we’ve been doing for almost 12 years now. If you feel there is something on our page of a subjective nature that offends you personally, again we are willing to consider it seriously.

We are not making fun of you, that’s unfair. We’re all about supporting the local scene and real people who are a part of it, especially over an American equivalent. Our fan base is constituted mainly of teenage girls situated in New Zealand. We thought you would feel comfortable being projected as a sex symbol, especially as you represent a lot of ideals we respect such as a proud commitment to monogamy and your spiritual beliefs. We thought you would embrace this opportunity to raise your own profile, as well as that of the bands you play with.

And yes we will be coming to your face. Don’t worry about that. We are not ashamed or cowardly. Just let us warn you only this once that any inference to threats of a physical nature are pointless as we are not afraid of physical retribution, and our contempt for it will only incite us and worsen the situation for you.

It’s got nothing to do with our music. Our music is shit, everyone knows that. But we are scene aristocracy. Though our favours are spread thinly when it comes to Hardcore, might I remind you of our presence in the heady days of Balance and Pace Car, we are historians of ways local that are hip, and our archives sag heavy on the shelf. As for Emo . . . well the less said the better. Let there just be an unspoken knowledge between us, that our support will always lie with a New Zealander over an American equivalent. We have no axe to grind.

We never suggested you were a homosexual. This is the message we received:

Streetwise Scarlet (comment No. 261 / Nov 28, 2005)

I imagine Scotty has'nt added you because he is really struggling with his homosexuality at the moment and will most definately be trying to avoid all temptation.

Samwise.

We do not talk shit. Some of our bulletins may be irreverent or perhaps absurd, but are always well received wether on the subject of music, culture, the local scene, science, trivia, sex advice or what have you. We are not a fuckin pussy. A pussy is what Haezell found in her backyard. She called it “Albi” because it is a white one.

And YES, Scotty, if it wasn’t obvious, some of us here are HOMOSEXUALS. We’re sorry if that offends you, but just think that generally we would find homophobia of any form quite abhorrent, and while we cannot claim that we respect your views on homosexuality, we understand and tolerate this as part of your spiritual beliefs. Just remember that homosexuals are people to, and don’t deserve to be victimised for their sexual preferences.

I hope this clears up our position, we honestly felt that the ironic take on yourself you project as this band scene pin up boy was really well done, and a deft touch of profiling. we look forward to meeting with you and seeing your bands play in the new year.

I hope you will be willing to contribute songs, pictures, video or any written copy/statement for our local scene Reality Compound DVD coming in late Jan/Early Feb.

All the best,

Evil Robot
(custodian)

Reality Compound
Style Over Substance
The Further

Philosophy of Scotty Rocker as interpreted by RC

2008-04-12T17:41:00.002+12:00

IMPORTANT!!! REMEMBER to watch and learn from Scotty!!! -

"I’m a poser? No shit."

- People don’t look in photos how they look in real life. Make sure you look better in your photos than you do in real life, not worse!

"I used to like eating lots of pies but i ended up getting fat so i went on a diet and became super cut and super good looking."

- Be cut and good looking. Don’t be fat and gross.

"i have an SUPER amazing girlfriend in the whole wide world!!"

- Have a hot gf/bf. Make sure they are not ugly or fat.

"Your[sic] not even worthy of an infomercial. You also try too hard to attract attention to yourself so your[sic] the LAST thing television needs."

- People who try to attract attention to themselves will NEVER make it to Celebrity Treasure Island.

"i promise you next time i see you its not going to be good. You have fucked me of[sic] to[sic] many times. take my picture off your site."

- Don’t put Scotty’s picture on your page. He will tell Tom on you, and get his friend George to beat you up.

SUPERSIZE MY REALITY: THE STORY OF THE COMPOUND

ALRIGHT!!! When avant garde performance artists and Electrotrash iconoclasts Style Over Substance finally got their very own profile on Myspace, having to bunk up with Shoegazing The Further left them less than impressed:

"We sing about a future where we all have micro chips in our brains. These soppy radges are still bleating on about some bird who upped sticks on them three years ago."

That’s when the boys discovered the myspace of Reality TV star, Drummer and celebrity SCOTTY ROCKER who said "I’m a poser? No shit." And from then were inspired to embrace the fakecore emo scene, dressing like personality deficient, brain dead 15 year old scenewhores who’d do anything . . . JUST TO MAKE FRIENDS.

All RC acts are managed and overseen by scurrilous DJ/Producer/writer Romantech who says "Who gives a fuck if it’s a joke? I need to be getting my boys some gigs. My people ain’t eatin’. Y’all gotta break me off a lil’ summin’ summin’."

KEEPING IT FAKEXCORE
Life may have made you bitter, ugly, stupid, humourless, poor etc. but thats no excuse not to make an effort to get people to like you. Don’t worry, no one wants to know the real you. Just pretend there isn’t one, you’ll be fine. Always act like you know. Don’t pretend you know, just act like it. When in doubt just say, "I know". Trust me on this.

What if someone asks you a question? Again, just say "I know" as if the answer to that question is so obvious, it has no meaning. For example:

Matt’s Mum: "When are you going to tidy your room?"

Matt: "I know, mum."

Classic myspace bulletin 41: introducing Scotty "Rocker" Lamb

2008-04-12T17:15:00.002+12:00

SCOTTY HAS ADDED US!!! YUSSSS!

Guess whose just been added to the Compound friends list?

it's

SCOTTY ROCKER!!!!

THEE Hot as spunkburger drummer from from the bands Cold by Winter and Streetwise Scarlet!!!!

Now don't all you dirty whores be swamping him with adds because he is OUR friend, and it took us ages, so don't think he just adds any dirty little slapper.

Check out Scotty's page!!!

More info on this mega hot development soon!!! Or should I say Super hot? Yes I should.

More info on this super hot development soon!!!

Classic myspace bulletin 40: R.C. as "the O.C."

2008-04-12T17:11:00.002+12:00

New televised drama: “The R.C.”

In this spin off from the original “Reality Compound” series, the lovably pretentious hipsters find themselves in Orange County where they are taken in by the rich white Americans who live there.

The boys are crushed to discover the series revolves principally around the parents of the teens - good god! Who get drunk and variously abuse, slap and throw drinks in each others faces. They are aghast to discover their contract stipulates “no simulating of sex with any inanimate surface, wether horizontal or vertical, seizures, robot dancing or the use of food props as costuming, or vice versa” and promptly storm off set, much to the chagrin of Matt from The Further, who expected to perform an acoustic version of his new emo/bedwetter hit “Eyes like the Rain” on the show, and subsequently developed as a love interest for one of the pretty skinny girls.

So concluding successful talks with their lawyers, see the RC crew in action once again in their next forthcoming vehicle:

“America’s next top fuckwit.”

I think we'd better let Matt sing his song anyway though, don't you?

Eyes like the rain
Falling
Down

Eyes like the rain
Falling
To the ground

I look in your eyes
The rain is falling down
I'm lying on the floor
The hair covers my face

Eyes like the rain
Falling
Down

Eyes like the rain
Falling
To the ground

I look outside
The rain is falling down
I look in your eyes
But the hair covers your face

Eyes like the rain
Falling
Down

Eyes like the rain
Falling
To the ground

To the ground

To the floor

Down

To the ground

Classic myspace bulletin 39: About what you said

2008-04-12T17:08:00.001+12:00

About what you said . . .

I know what you're doing.

So stop it.

I've seen what's been going on. And I mean it. I'm not saying this to anybody else, and I know what you're thinking, but you can say what you like. It's not gonna wash with me. It's not happening. Not on MY space, bucko. So you can just take your medicine and calm the fuck down.

You think I wanted all this?

You think I wanted it like this?

I wanted to be happy, but YOU wanted it like this! Last time we spoke, what did we say? That's right. But look now, here we are again.

You, and me.

Same old FUCKING story. Read the movie, saw the book, it's all the fucking same isn't it? you don't think about me?

You don't even know who I am!

I'm just this huge nothing to you!

YOU DON'T FUCKING THINK ABOUT ME!!!!

Sometimes I swear you wish I was dead. That's how you feel isn't it? The way you look at me, I swear . . .

Well I'm not FUCKING dead.

And you're not getting rid of me that easy. You can fuck yourself, because you just don't do that to people.

What are you trying to achieve? You think you can just change everything now? After . . . everything?

Look, it's finished, forget about it, just give it up. Do us both a favour. You can't win this one. Don't even bother.

It's over.

Classic myspace bulletin 38: DEATH OF RICK THE GROUSE

2008-04-12T16:59:00.002+12:00

RICK THE GROUSES DEATH

www.myspace.com/rickthegrouse

Our friend and colleague at the Reality Compound Research Centre, Rick the Grouse, who flew out to help us with our Avian Flu studies as well as record a few songs for his forthcoming pop/punk album left work the day before last complaining he was feeling a bit under the weather.

Has anyone seen him? We left a message on his phone and we're starting to worry . . .

This is fucking getting serious, like has anyone seen Rick for real? Like, maybe if you’re in our around the Grey Lynn area you see a patch of woodland, just have a look around. I mean maybe he’s hooked up and nesting with a fertile hen or two. It’s Rick, y’know? He’s a crazy Grouse.

But we are real worried, especially as he wasn’t feeling to good when we last saw him.

TOMORROW ON REALITY COMPOUND: An episode that will shake you . . .

No. Not fuckin' Rick, man. NO god, no, fucking . . . no. Not Rick, not our fucking ricky you fucking cocksucker!

RICK, MAN!!! NO! NO!

NO!

NO! FUCKING FUCK YOU ALL, MAN!

NOOOOO!!! RICK!!

www.myspace.com/rickthegrouse

This is something that has deeply shocked us all but we wanted all of Rick’s friends to know immediately that Rick is no longer with us. Rick, had somehow, contracted the Avian Virus, and he died in his territory sometime yesterday of complications resulting from the Virus. Though he would have died alone, we take comfort in the knowledge that Rick was a Grouse of courage, of dignity, and he would have faced death with strength in his heart, and soul.

All research and recording has been concluded for the day here in the Compound as we cope with this tragic loss.Rick was, quite frankly, a pillar of strength, words can’t describe our loss. Our thoughts are with the family of Rick and all who grieve for Rick with us on this day.

You are with the lord now Rick. Drumming on your little log in a better place than we are now. Here. Without you. We love you, Rick. We always will.

If anyone has like, some words that they’d like us to post up about Rick tomorrow as a tribute, I’m sure Rick’s family, and all of us here at the compound would really appreciate it.

On this day, as we mourn the passing of Rick the Grouse, a bird who was a friend and colleague to many, we celebrate his life in tribute, from those who held him dear:

Evil Robot (S.O.S.)

Rick the Grouse, what can you say. I met Rick through a mutual friend of ours, Ambrozia Macbeal, and I was just really impressed with his whole attitude to life. His spirit lifted us up like a whirlwind of passion and light, it soared above us, as his soul now does soar above the woodland floor he made his home. His work on the little baby bird sized hankies will not be forgotten. As we commit his body to the earth, and his soul to the heavens we think and pray for you Rick, and the many birds and humans that have been given life through your work.

We would like to mention that Rick had found love in his life when he passed, but not with a fertile hen or two as he planned. The Malink entered Rick’s life here on Myspace just less than a week ago and it’s pretty fair to say that there was a connection there. Rick spoke of her as “Kind of a big nasty looking rat with extra sharp teeth” who had assured him “Malink’s don’t eat Grouses.”

Turkey Berserkey (S.O.S.)

I’m just gonna fuckin miss you, Rick man. You were a fuckin funny cunt, dude. You used to crack me up and it’s just fuckin so shitty we ain’t gonna be able to get our stone on and do crazy shit. Rick, man, we’ll remember you man, we will, man. You will always be like part of the Compound and shit, dude.

Matt (The Further)

Hi everybody, I’d just wanted to read these Slowdive lyrics, like honour of fuckin’ Rick’n shit.

The sunshine girl is sleeping
She falls and dreams alone
And me I am her dagger
Too numb to feel her pain

The world is full of noise here
I hear it all the the time
And me I am her dagger
You know I am your world

I thought I heard you whisper
It happens all the time

She whispers while I’m sleeping
I love you when you smile
I didn’t really use you
I just lost it for a while

Yeah that’s it. Cheers, Rick man.

Haze (The Further)

Poor little Rick. I barely new him, but I lovedhim anyway. Perhaps if I was a fertile hen, things would have been different between us.

MC’s Peter Blake MF (Viaduct Thugz) + Poon Tang Marx (S.O.S.)

We just both wanna say that Rick was just another little homie cut down in his prime in the everlasting conflict that is the ghetto. Yet he was struck by the force unseen, and he sends a message to all the young G’s on the street, holding it down for real – you never know when or where it’s gonna come. You just gotta keep thuggin’ till the end like our little homie Rick. Peace Rick, you is our nigger for ever and always, in this life and the next.

MC I’m Ian Curtis [deceased] (S.O.S.)

Some choose to never look inside themselves, they’re too afraid of what they’ll see. For those who never look beyond the light, will never know what they believe.

I'll be waiting for when you come through processing, Rick bro. I'll show you round your new home: the afterlife! and I'll show you how to open up a channel to the living world. It'll be all good!

DJ Romantech (Data:bass Net)

You guys are fucking goofballs. It’s a bird. It’s a fucking picture of a bird. It’s a fucking .jpg. Why don’t you guys write some fucking music or something rather than dicking around on myspace all night. I got mad releases, yo. I got fucking mad gigs coming up. This shit real, believe it.

Catguts and the Big Bang Theory

Rude.

309z Media:

We at (309Zmedia) are shocked and saddened at the sudden passing of Rick.

We we first met rick sitting at Ibiza (club of the stars ) situated on Aucklands Boulevard of dreams. we admit that we hated him. He was sitting there with a jim beam and coke wild eyes , watching waiting for the jackpot on the pokies to be won.
He was cracked up to the eye balls and he took to us , not like the mild mannered grouse that he was, but like a grouse posessed, possessed by the scourge of our nation "p".
Afer much flapping and pecking and name calling and biting , thankfully his manager Romantech came to his rescue, as I was seconds away from crushing his skull with my size 10 Vans. We sat down and then started drinking, we moved on to his favorate "Famous Grouse" a brand which reminded him of his fledgling days in the K rd junta. From that point we got on famously, many hens did I see him meet , and watch fall in love with his street savvy ways and his blinged up gangsta lean.
We became very close as the days went on and he asked me only recently, "make sure that Fuckin manager of ours Romantech gets nothing in my will": It was almost like he knew that the end was near, and now that i think of it? I think he did.
I jus hope and prey that the public outcry will be long and full of wailing, cause thats what "Ricko" would have liked. He would have liked all of his fans to remember him as a majestic soaring spirit rather than the way he left this plain, a sad lonely grouse with no one to find him and no one to help him blow his nose with a little beak hankee..

In the words of Beth from Portishead and remembering Rick at his favorate spot Brazil on Krd latte in claw, Breathe on Little Grousey, breathe on.

You will always be missed rick,
R.I.P

Scream Louder than Fiction:

[he leaves] such a whole in so many individuals lives especially before a maths exam. I am deeply shocked and frankly numb.

Queen

Rick the little log drummer will be sorely missed. he may have been little but he filled a big place in my heart.

We'd just like to end the service with a recital of Rick's favourite choral piece from Brahms "How holy is thy dwelling place."

In loving memory:

RICK THE GROUSE (2001 -2005)

Classic myspace bulletin 37: I see dead people

2008-04-03T18:36:00.000+13:00

I see Dead People
This is for all the dead people on our friends list and paranormal enthusiasts.

Are you guys getting the "happy holidays" banner from "screensavers.com"?

We're picking up strong messages from the other side that evil is at work.

Can you see a couple of bodies in that fire? I think Santa did them in, the wicked old bugger!

We would mount a paranormal investigation, but we're still trying to work out wether aliens and ghosts can talk to one another. This is the major direction of our research at the moment, and would obviously be a major breakthrough.

We don't really get into the fighting evil spirits thing - last thing we need after last nights boozing session is another haunting or possesion in the Compound, and our circle of protection is looking a little worse for wear!

Anybody reading this who is dead and would like to help, can contact us through our friend Ian Curtis.

Classic myspace bulletin 36: Crazy flight of the fool hen

2008-04-03T18:32:00.001+13:00

Rick the Grouse

http://www.myspace.com/rickthegrouse

Everybody add Rick the Grouse! He’s been grousing it now for a few years, and he’ll tell you himself, being a Grouse ain’t all it’s cracked up to be! He loves foraging in his woodland territory and eating buds and shoots. He's keen to hook up with any fertile hens keen to nest in his territory. So add Rick the Grouse and don’t forget to check out his page on grousespace.com:

www.grousespace.com/rick

Classic myspace bulletin 35: Crazy flight of the fool hen

2008-04-03T18:28:00.000+13:00

"crazy-flight" of the "Fool-hen" : The Ruffed Grouse.
Ruffed Grouse are the most widely distributed resident game bird in North America. By far the major portion of the Ruffed Grouse range and populations is in regions where snow is an important part of the winter scene. The Ruffed Grouse is a hearty, snow-loving, bud-eating native which thrives during severe winters that decimate flocks of partridges, quail, pheasants and turkeys.

The name "Ruffed" was derived from some long, shiny, black or chocolate colored neck feathers that are most prominent on the male. When the cock is in full display in defense of his territory, or showing off to an interested hen, these feathers are extended into a spectacular ruff which, together with a full fanned tail, makes him look twice his normal size. The plumages of the two sexes are quite similar.

Although sometimes regarded as "wilderness" birds, Ruffed Grouse have no aversion to living in close proximity to humans if the cover gives them adequate security but are not considered much of a sporting bird in western mountains and north into Canada due to their confiding "fool-hen" nature.

Ruffed Grouse are normally solitary in their social behaviour, although there is usually at least one hen in the woods for every male. Young birds, especially, collect in temporary, loose flocks in the fall and winter, but this is not equivalent to the covey organization of the quails and partridges.

Male Ruffed Grouse are aggressively territorial throughout their adult lives. The male grouse proclaims his property rights by engaging in a "drumming" display. This sound is made by beating his wings against the air to create a vacuum, as lightning does when it makes thunder. The drummer usually stands on a log, stone or mound of dirt when drumming, and this object is called a "drumming log." He does not strike the log to make the noise, he only uses the "drumming log" as a stage for his display.

Drumming occurs throughout the year, so long as his "log" is not too deeply buried under snow. In the spring, drumming becomes more frequent and prolonged as the cock grouse advertises his location to hens seeking a mate.

In fall and winter some inexperienced young grouse frightened by a predator or something else, crash into buildings, trees or through windows in a so-called "crazy-flight." Sometimes they are evidently simply trying to take a short-cut when they can see through two large windows on the corner of a house. After all, young grouse in their first fall have never been confronted by something that can be seen through but not flown through, such as glass!

Most Ruffed Grouse die a violent death to provide a meal for one of a number of meat-eating predators, for in the natural scheme of things, Ruffed Grouse are one of the first links in a complex food chain. Some also die from disease and parasites, or from exposure to severe weather, or accidentally by hitting trees or branches while in a panic flight after being frightened.

The horned owl probably kills more grouse annually than any other predator. This is due to the cosmopolitan distribution of these owls and the likelihood that any woodland capable of supporting grouse will have resident horned owls, or at least be regularly visited by them. Yet, where cover is adequate, grouse can find security and maintain their abundance even when goshawks and horned owls live and nest nearby.

Classic myspace bulletin 34: Like OMG

2008-04-03T18:26:00.000+13:00

Like OMG!!!
Heather: "like OMG, did you just say what I think you said? OMG, where's Rebecca and Lacy? They'd, like, totally, totally, like... OMG!!!

Monica: "Heather, are you online?"

Heather: "Like, OMG, yeah!!!"

Monica: "Like, OMG!!! Do you know that, like, we're totally online together?"

Heather: "Like, O - M - G!!!"

Monica: "Did you, like, see that post I made to that guy to, like, to totally kill himself?"

Heather: "OMG, like, yeah..."

Monica: "OMG, that's what I was thinking!"

Heather: "OMG!"

Monica: "Like, it was so funny, but, like, you didn't get it, so, like, you forgot to laugh, then, like, you did, but it was awkward becuase, like, your little brother was spying on you again, and like, he saw you laughing at the computer and was, like... you know?"

Heather: "Like totally."

Classic myspace bulletin 33: Myspace Whores eliminated

2008-04-03T18:18:00.000+13:00

Killer Myspace whore eliminated!

So this afternoon when we checked our pending friend request we found and interesting young man named "Killer Instinct" from the USA had requested to be our friend.

We of course, will be friends with anyone who likes Ice Cream and likes to play - as long as they know tidy up time always comes after playtime.

So once we assessed he wasn't a perpetuator of hate politics, he accepted his invitation willing. More on Nazis later.

Next thing you know, we check our bulletins to get all the most exciting news from our friends and what do we see?

Screens upon screens of "Add him" "Add her" "Whore Me" "I'll whore you if you whore me." . . . "Add him and I'll whore you to 25k"

Goodness gracious we thought!

And guess what!

WE DELETED HIM!

WE DID!

WE DELETED HIM FROM OUR FRIENDS LIST.

We didn't like it. It wasn't fun.

Everybody wants to have lots of friends, but what are you going to say to them once you've said hullo? The RC boys like to tell cool stories and make fun music that you can laugh at, all of which we want to share with ALL of our friends (except the Nazi ones - but they're not really our friends).

We are also of course promoting many topical issues such as wild moose safety and awareness, and of course are driving the initiative to produce and supply tiny little-baby bird-sized hankies - more on this initiative also - later.

But . . .

"Mr. Killer Whore me" didn't seem to have anything to offer the world, except for thousands more people who also didn't have anything to offer.

How sad.

Perhaps they would have enjoyed this story.

8 whorers brutally executed
tried and judged by a panel of Compound experts the 8 following so-called "friends" of the Compound were deemed to have commited deviant and abusive acts of whoring upon the myspace bulletin board.

A Compound analyst was then required to prepare reports on their suitability to be executed from our friends list by reason of being incompatible with fundamental COmpound standards of decency on the bulletin board.

The names were as following

Jennax™
victorylap
That blank space
b€ð†•J€Rk¥ ™
The ThongWriter™
Mutant Mushroom
W}{0R3.8OT
Jesus Chop

As none had any predetermining circumstances of hipness that would deem them unsuitable, the 8 were executed from the friends list by way of blocking of their profile.

despite campaigners protesting outside the compound for the execution to be stayed, the 8 were pronounced deleted at dawn this morning.

They are with Tom, now. May he rest and keep their accounts.

Classic myspace bulletin 32: Grumpy Fucker

2008-04-03T18:15:00.000+13:00

Grumpy Fucker

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with world. Let me tell you something. It's people. Shoot the lot of them. Bunch of Assholes. Let me tell you about people:

People point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

People are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually. Lazy. Assholes!

People say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? Idiots.

People say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

People say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I'm sitting here so I can look at the floor.

People ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

So something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. Fuckwits. Do they think we're stupid?

So you're waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

People say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

Pack of fucking old dogs dicks. I'll be happy when I'm dead.

Classic myspace bulletin 31: Honk for Jesus

2008-04-03T17:53:00.002+13:00

HONK FOR JESUS

We actually have no problem with christians. How you choose to spend your sunday and appreciate the good things in your life is your business. If you wanna put your penis where another guy does poos, we got no problem with that, either, as long as you're both into it.

Really, the best thing about christians is they don't steal your weed - or anything else, they don't get on the P (meth), they often smell good, and work hard, and usually if they're being a prick, it's all good for you to let them know - "bro, you're being a prick, man! You pay your share and stop being such an asshole about it!"

Look at Ned Flanders, he's all good. He can move next door to the Compound.

The church is more the problem. If you wanna love jesus, and give him props for the good energy in your life, sweet, but when you've got some other dude rocking up telling you HOW to go about loving your god, that's when shit gets a bit loose and next thing you got a war going on, and dirty old buggers who've never had a decent root getting up to no good.

See we here at the compound know that if JC is up there, he's got no beef with us, we ain't done shit. He might even be impressed that I managed to get a girls bra off while she was asleep when I was 16, cos that's the worst thing I ever done, and I know it was extremely disrespectful, but you can't tell me I'm burning in hell for that!

And one thing is sure: If jesus isn't a complete fuckwit, and if he really said all that shit, then I'm sure he's not, then he doesn't give a flying fuck wether you repost this bulletin or any other fucking bulletin on fucking myspace.

Did jesus say "OMG I'm so more christian then you = n00b LOL pwnd!!!1!"

Nah. He didn't, actually.

So just don't fuck anyone over, don't fuck anyone unless you at least sort of care about them, and if you have a kid, look out for the little shit. So that way if JC is up there, you, us and him, we'll all be sweet!

More on hell, religious intolerance, and being a Nazi . . . I dunno, at some point. The viewpoint just described is called AGNOSTIC.

Classic myspace bulletin 30: Important myspace sex talk for young ladies

2008-04-03T17:48:00.002+13:00

Important Sex talk for young ladies.

I need myspace. Because its the internet, its the land of the free, and all of that.

Its also summer here in our part of the world (and Friday night) and exams are all done so theres gonna be a lot of people with a lot of time on their hands thinking gosh, a good hard shag would hit the spot right about now!

And what better place than myspace to peruse all the spunky young things, and spark up a little flirty banter! Given our multitudes of sexy young female fans matched with our rich tapestry of wit, knowledge, experience and wisdom, it has come quite prominently to our attention the surprising friskiness of many young ladies.

Just because we are funny and smart and know what to say to women, it doesnt guarantee that we are not old, ugly, naughty, and basically wanting to nip out on our Missus for a bit of a poke with some sexy young bit of fluff that we can just discard like a bad hand of poker. And you dont want to be the one keying up his car in the middle of the night, do you? You want to snuggling up to a nice boy who can sit through a whole fucking Olivia Newton John musical without needing to fondle your tits.

Girlsies must remember that boysies love nothing more than getting to have sex with a real live girl. So if youre wondering does he want to have sex with me? unless they have another girl in their life or on their mind, 99% its gonna be a yes. No matter what or who theyve done, boys will always wonder exactly what you yourself have in your pants, like it is a glorious mystery. The trick is to get them caring about whats in your head before you show them what you have in your pants.

Indeed, the tricky part is that if youre letting a boy realise his masculinity perfectly and completely by finding a heaven better than any drug between your legs, he should at least be making the effort to do something nice for you EVERYDAY, no matter how small.

Because if he doesnt do this, hes probably just waiting for someone thinner and with bigger tits to come along. If youre okay with that than youre okay with that as long as youre sure youre okay with that. Most boys will be super okay with that, but you should still make it perfectly clear from the outset that you also have physical needs as a woman, and this DOES NOT make you a slut, or his girlfriend. Otherwise youll be the one getting your car keyed up.

Having physical needs as a 21st century woman means that if you need more than your man can deliver, he should be willing to get down there like a Doberman in the trenches and finish the job. Otherwise tell him to go back to the 80s and look for a girlfriend.

THE AGE CALCULATOR:

Men like sexy young girls. Sexy young girls like an older man who knows what hes doing. Thats the way it is. Team RC has developed this special age calculator to be loosely applied.

(Girls age 10) > (Boys age 10) divided by 2.

Alex is 16. Knowledgeable Individual is 25.

( - 10 on both sides) :

Alex is 6 and Knollie is 15

(divide the boys age in half):

Alex is 6 and Knollie is 7.5

Even though Knollie is allowed to round down to 7, he still has a higher score than alex, and shouldnt really be meeting her in the park with a hip flask of gin.

But you might love this person, in which case the RC age compatibility calculator goes out the window. So how is a girl to know her significantly older man really feels for her, and doesnt just think youre his bit of fluff? Well, have you met his best buddies? Any of his family? Does he do PDAs* ? Hmmmmm . . .

Chances are he loves your hot young teenage body but the moment he meets a girl who he can go to bars with and show off to his mates . . . oh-oh . . .

Tips for hooking up on myspace

Phase 1: Internet mackin

Remember why do you need to tell everyone on myspace your second name or which school you go to? You dont. Naughty clever boys use that information to find you and rock up like a stranger who just happens to like all the bands you do.

Just because a boy says damn your[sp] hot, hit me back doesnt mean he is not romantic. Just because he doesnt it doesnt mean he's only typing with his left hand as he talks to you.

Every girl should know that you gotta make your boy work for it.

- A boy who will keep up banter for over a week may not just be looking for a quick one wherever he can get it. A boy who chats for over a month MIGHT just be a keeper.

- Does he continually wind your dial with sexy talk? Does he talk about your tits or any other part of your body like it was your possession, as if you werent attached to it? Bad sign.

- Does he ask too many where questions? Tell him he only gets two, if any.

- Does he talk to you about your favourite music, your job, your family, your pets, your favourite things? Thats more like it.

But as its summer, and youre a young woman with needs, and youre not getting any younger, lets look at how you can be safe. I dont need to talk about birth control because if you dont know all about that than you should just stop reading here and forget it.

Remember 99.99% of boys have no desire to lock you in there basement. The question is wether the outcome for you is to lock yourself in their mind so youve at least got a chance when that thinner one with the bigger tits comes along, because she always does!

Phase 2: The Hook Up.

If you are going to meet a boy he MUST have at this point supplied you with a clear photo that he claims is himself. If you meet him and thats not him no need to jump from a moving vehicle, but youll know its time to hit the brakes and change gears. A boy may only be lying because he is insecure. But boys who lie will still have to undergo a stand down period.

You should never elaborate too much about your plans. If youre going out to meet a boy just to fuck him senseless, he doesnt need to know that. Young men can become very excitable and loose blood flow to the brain, thus behaving erratically. But certainly dont assume he will bring protection.

Remember this the 21st century, girls, you are in control of your bodies and your destiny. No one ever got pregnant by putting it in their mouth. If your boy really wants to be happy,and you really want to make your boy happy, then this will probably make him very happy. But never do anything you don't want to do.

Don't get pissed. Don't take any drugs, not the first time! Don't take anything he gives you. this is very important. I wouldn't even ride in his car the very first time you see him. Why not just tell him you'd like to have a nice talk/kiss/blow job/sex somewhere safe and convenient and that just that would be nice? I'm sure he would think that was very nice.

First hook up should always be made at a public place. You should know that. If youre too young or not really into dating, why not tag along with his friends, boys are much naughtier when they know their mates arent around to give them shit about what a Telly motherfucker* or "rapist" they are.

If youre positive that you will not be having sex with this guy the first time you meet him, why not take a friend? A second opinion is always good, if he really likes you, he wont mind, and if he starts making eyes at your friend, youll know hes no good, and if your friend runs off with him, youll find out theyre both no good!

A good trick to be safe that we like is to make a boy give you his phone number by reference to its listing in the telephone directory, which includes his address, so that you might perhaps a day or two later ring the number to check he is telling the truth, before you meet him. Then when you do go to meet him, you can pass those details on to your mother, or sister, or best friend, and tell them you are going for a pleasant meeting with a boy and these are his details. If you are SECRETLY planning to go back to his place for wild sex, tell your mother/sister/friend to expect a call by a certain time.

No man will think of you as a slut, if you pander to his ego by elaborating on the theme that only he is sexually irresistible to you. He will think he is special to you, thus making him feel like a man and you will become special to him.

I THINK WERE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT GETTING THOSE CLAWS IN AND HOLDING ON TO YOUR MAN AT ANOTHER POINT.

BUT WHEN WE FIND THOSE If you dont got the rubba, therell be no hubba hubba FUCKTARDS THERES GONNA BE RETRIBUTION IN THE VEIN OF SOME CARS GETTING SERIOUSLY KEYED UP FOR THEIR MORONICALLY ILL-CONCEIVED AWARENESS CAMPAIGN. ANYONE WHO CAN HELP US OUT WITH INFORMATION ON WHERE WE CAN FIND THESE PEOPLE, SHOULD GET IN TOUCH.

*Kids (1995) by Larry Clarke. A very, very important movie for everyone to watch. Especially if you think thirteen dealt with issues. Like, whatever. Fuck off.

Classic myspace bulletin 29: Compound sex report

2008-04-02T12:05:00.002+13:00

Compound sex research report

Juan and the other researchers are currently in the lab processing a batch of new research data that we have recently recieved. Please retain a critical outlook as we have already found reason to believe the research is fundamentally flawed in it's methodology and thus scientiifically invalid.

1) 94% of men lie about their penis size.
According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of
men use extra large condoms.

2) The average man is 5 inches long when erect
(no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the
truth).

3) 80% of American men are circumsized. Even
though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.

4) No matter what all the ads say, nothing can
make your penis grow but time (most men reach
the end of their growth by the early 20's)

5) There is no correlation between penis size and
shoe size, hand size, or nose size.

6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically
called "prostatic congestion."

7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.

+Some stuff on the ladies+
------------------------------

1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider
themselves "attractive" (20% of British women
do).
43% of women use the term "natural", 24% say
they have "average" looks, 8% prefer the
term "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking",
and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% of
women say they are "sexy".*

2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong
size bra.
3) 60% of women have had breast implants.**
4) 75% of women dont like oral sex
5) 95% of women shave their privates.

+Both+
--------------------------------
1) Masturbation is healthy for both men and
women.

2) 70% of highschoolers have had sex before
they
have graduated. 27% loose their virginity senior
prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.

3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1
month of dating. Only 10% of women feel this way.

+5 Reasons Why Sex is Good+
---------------------------------------------
1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150
calories every half an hour of it. It will lower your
cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.

2) You won't get sick. According to research if
you
have sex 1-2 times a week you are less likely to
get sick.

3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense
of well-being. Women who have more sex were
clinically proven to be less depressed than women
who dont have sex.

4) Makes you look better- [ problem is ugly people
don`t get any ]. Sex releases hormones in your which make your skin and hair softer and
shinier and tone your physic.

5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studies
prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who
had sex 1-2 times a week had half the death rate
as those who did not indulge themselves at least
once a month. It also makes you look younger. If
you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to
10 years younger than you really are.

Did You Know
----------------------------------------
1) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up
to running 75 miles!!!!

*Matt from The Further would once again like to go on the record citing his personal research findings that:

"Each woman's beauty is like a fiery star, a great burning mass in the universe of my heart. How can I compare that light which gives life to distant galaxies when all I know for sure, is that some are close . . . and some are far away . . . ?"

** This is a highly questionable finding that does not match with our own findings at the compound research centre, even given that this research was conducted in California, obviously calling into doubt the validity of any of this data.

Classic myspace bulletin 28: Yeast Infection

2008-04-02T12:00:00.001+13:00

This is just a quiet note to all our hardcore fans concerning a side project of a core Reality Compound and Style Over Substance member who shall remain nameless, principally because he enjoys strutting round in fishnet stockings and very little - in fact - nothing else, except for his docs.

http://www.myspace.com/yeastinfection

Of course being a member of Team RC requires a certain outgoing creative and spontaneous um . . . "streak" and RC members are required to spend at least an hour a week wearing nothing but a single sock around the Compound. Body Image insecurity and self consciousness was quickly marked as a "problem area" by Team RC psychological hygienists.

This is deemed fundamental to the psychological development of Compound members - as the peoples of east Africa i.e. the Masai Mara, stretch the neck, lip, and earlobe, so must Team RC stretch the Comfort Zone to allow for deeper penetration into the pysche of the spectator in our performances.

This has become prioritized now that our success on mypace has brought on calls for the Reality Compound radio and television projects to go ahead much earlier than planned.

www.myspace.com/yeastinfection

We would link the picture, but we have young girls on our friends list, who shouldn't really be subjected to male nudity without discretion.

So um yes . . . can you guess which RC Team member chose this delightful ensemble as his halloween "costume"? (photo is taken from the RC vs Catguts Halloween Trick or Treat night. THAT is another story, but we definately got more candy than them. Maybe because of the naked man, maybe not.)

As an aside, Rick and I were watching Rick's favourite show, "24" last night, when an add for vaginal thrush relief comes on!!!

Imagine my embarrassment when Rick looks at me with his little Grouse eyes and asks me: "What's vaginal thrush?"

I told him it was Bread that grows on your bits if you wear tight trousers all the time. Luckily Kiefer returned to screen promptly to save me anymore embarrassment.

I love Rick. He's so cute, with his "drumming" and his wee log. And he gets so excited when "24" is on.

http://www.myspace.com/rickthegrouse

The Chuck Norris Bulletin

2008-03-31T16:54:00.001+13:00

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fcuk with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh1t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh1t out of little kids.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

To Ambrozia

2008-03-31T16:51:00.000+13:00

Letter to Ambrozia

Now you look here, missy!

I said you were "possibly smarter . . ." - not that I am an idiot, and I will not allow you to TOY with me!

Oh poor Ambrozia! It's a cut and paste romance! Is that what you think? And what? When the surreptitious deuteragonists and the lascivious suggestations have all been flung away like used sparklers, will you still wrench and wring me wretched oh wench?

Will you squeeze my heart with your slender fingers so that the love might bead to the surface and drip to the earth like blood, all the while as you infest my loins [!] with your french banter?

carelessly it is that you impart the name of Rick, the legend of a Grouse that grew from my love for a single word that fell from your lips . . .

Your sorrow? You eat at me like fruit and spit out my heart like a pip. From this desolate internet wasteland of recycled egos I was offered a flower that was you, that in my gentle nature I could give rain, but alas, I was only a cloud in your heart, and like I was vapour . . . I melted away . . .

Classic myspace bulletin 27: Less than 3 auckland!!!!

2008-03-31T16:47:00.000+13:00

Less than three AUCKLAND!!!

New Zealand:

A clean, green paradise at the arse end of the world, full of parochial charm, old world sensibilities, Rugby, Hobbits, all that huha . . . except for one place, where all the money, and all the pretentious wankers who live in New Zealand congregate to build and live in yucky apartment buildings and feel as if they're better than the rest of the country, while planning their move to Sydney or London.

Auckland:

A bustling metropolis of over 1 million people that sits proudly astride the Tamaki isthmus, sprawling to become the 5th largest city in terms of land mass in the world. Auckland was once the capital of New Zealand when the many hapu of Ngati Whatua, fearful of the warlike northerners of Ngai Tahu, invited Cmdr. Hobson to ensconce himself there, until the capital was later moved to the more centralised Wellington.

Of course Compound HQ is located in the lefty/artsy quadrant of Grey Lynn, where evil real estate agents stalk the streets mercilessly. Sometimes we leave Auckland to play gigs elsewhere, but all the buildings are so small and old, finding a decent coffee is an ordeal, and it only takes about two weeks before we have met all the fellow hipsters. Except for wellington where everyone is a pretentious hipster so you don't notice, or Invercargill where you can count them on two hands.

But let's learn more about Auckland as it exsts today:

You can make over $100,000 per year and still can't afford a house.

You never bother looking at the train timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it either. Bus? hahahahaha

You order organic fruit and vegetables online, but eat out every night anyway.

You spend more money on your coffee machine than on your washing machine.

You spend $400+ per week for your room in an apartment with stunning harbour and beach views and European appliances; and spend a total of forty hours a week there, of which thirty-seven are spent sleeping.

You contemplate calling a taxi from your home to where you managed to park your car the night before.

You spend thirty minutes in a traffic jam next to a car that has more power going to its speakers than its wheels.

You know everyone's e-mail and mobile number but not their last name or home address.

You can roll sushi, make pasta and keep your red curry paste recipe under lock and key... but couldn't roast a chicken to save your life.

Your taxi driver was a micro-surgeon before he emigrated to New Zealand

Your co-worker tells you he/she has eight body piercing's but none are visible.

You can't remember... is dope illegal?

You have a very strong opinion on where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, conversational Maori or building your own website.

And you pronounce the word Moari correctly; that is "Mouldy" not “Mar-ee”

A man in full leather regalia and chaps gets on the bus and you don't notice.

You are genuinely surprised when you meet someone who was actually born in Auckland.

You get out DVD's so you can watch them in the car on your laptop as you "drive" to work.

You have a mullet but you haven't worked out wether it's ironic or not; you're still looking for a word to put in front of "chic"

P is "boring"

Your hairdresser is straight; your plumber is gay, and your Avon lady is a drag queen.

You work a 50-hour week so you can dress like an unemployed musician and hang out in scuzzy dives.

You are in a band that plays really bad 80's synthesizer/ 70's garage music, but your friends still come to watch you simulate sex with the floor.

Letter to Ambrozia

Now you look here, missy!

I said you were "possibly smarter . . ." - not that I am an idiot, and I will not allow you to TOY with me!

Oh poor Ambrozia! It's a cut and paste romance! Is that what you think? And what? When the surreptitious deuteragonists and the lascivious suggestations have all been flung away like used sparklers, will you still wrench and wring me wretched oh wench?

Will you squeeze my heart with your slender fingers so that the love might bead to the surface and drip to the earth like blood, all the while as you infest my loins [!] with your french banter?

carelessly it is that you impart the name of Rick, the legend of a Grouse that grew from my love for a single word that fell from your lips . . .

Your sorrow? You eat at me like fruit and spit out my heart like a pip. From this desolate internet wasteland of recycled egos I was offered a flower that was you, that in my gentle nature I could give rain, but alas, I was only a cloud in your heart, and like I was vapour . . . I melted away . . .

Classic myspace bulletin 26: Compound Research and Technical report

2008-03-31T16:45:00.000+13:00

Compound Research & Technical Report

A number of serious questions have come before the scientific and technical research teams working here at Reality Compound.

We are still Working avidly on the Bird Flu crisis with the help of our new crew member Rick. The Team Reality America's Cup challenge is still going ahead. We have actually changed our socks, and put the old socks in the Compound washing machine, and this has been seen as a positive move all round.

On that note we have also eliminated Dandruff from the Compound, by buying some special shampoo, and this has been seen also as a major breakthrough.

The major line of enquiry still focuses on wether or not aliens can communicate with spiritual entities. We have actually identified the problem regarding the research team's progress is us basically being scared.

Other key lines of enquiry put to the Reality Compound Brain Trust:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra cent going to?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come the americans choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" . . . or watch a white thing come out a chicken behind and think, "that ought to taste good."?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped buy the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Classic myspace bulletin 25: Fatal Moose Bite

2008-03-31T16:41:00.000+13:00

Fatal Moose Bite this morning during lecture at the Compound
This morning, the Reality Compound HQ in Grey Lynn became the scene of bitter blood letting when pre-eminent Texan Myspacologist Linus S. Werdstein was fatally bitten by marauding packs of wild moose.

The fascinating discussion on the future of uber web hub myspace.com was just concluding when the enraged beasts broke through the walls of the Compound, sending the crew into a mad panic, screaming and hiding behind furniture. Tragically, professor Werdstein, being unaware of the current Moose threat and the danger of unthinkingly touching strange and unknown moose, sustained a severe engorging from the pack of ravenous creatures. He later died in Hospital of his wounds.

Says Compound trustee and custodian Evil Robot:

"His work on myspace and his support of Compound goals to eradicate Bird flu with little baby bird sized Hankies and challenge the America’s cup with a Foodtown bag and a plank of wood will never be forgotten. A statue made of popsicle sticks will be erected in honour of his memory.”

It is believed that Compound was attacked as part of a wider implementation of actions promoting Moose supremacism. The Moose could not be contacted for comment. Any suspicious Moose seen in the Grey Lynn/Arch Hill/Kingsland or K rd area should be reported immediately to Compound staff.

RCTV #1

2008-03-30T19:51:00.003+13:00

http://nz.youtube.com/user/RealityCompound

Finally RC makes thier very first video blog for RCTV!!!
After unsuccessfully attempting to entice friendly but un cooperative house pet Steve the Cat in to cutesy animal video fun, the team set off to town to see if Emo is still funny, leading to a chance traffic light encounter with actor Robbie Magasiva, who famously tipped me in a rubbish bin as witnessed in the feature film "Sione's Wedding".

Robbie was able to speed off and despite the team rolling in the beamer in a manner that would surely outpace the lowly paid actor in his stationwagon, I chose to let him go.

After loosening up a little at the viaduct, Matt takes full emo flight leading to the discovery of a strange and powerful cave where he attempts to manifest into a omnipotent supreme being and rampage across Auckland in revenge for not getting laid that much during university.

Unfortunately security swoops in at the key moment and prevents the awesome supreme manifestation and ensuing rampage from being filmed.

Matt rampages to the top of the escalator before realising his team have been subdued, and the moment left tragically undocumented - matt soon discovers that dressed as a 15 year old emo his usual unassailable confidence offers him no favours this night with the ladies.

This video blog features the song "Scene Fuck (live jam)" which was written and recorded live over a year ago by Matt and his friends featuring Aidan Sine from Catguts.

good riddance to facebook

2008-03-30T18:59:00.001+13:00

So I was reading that thing in the sunday herald about facebook.

Oooohhh facebook has peaked has it?

That’s because no one gets fucking laid on facebook.

Its not only run by some of the most evil uber libertarian nazi fuckers you can imagine (yes! WORSE than rupert Murdoch!)

Full of just gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gayness in the form of the most gay apps.

Where’s the "Get fucked off your face, crash your black sportscar and wake up naked next to some chick who’s name you’ve forgotten." app????I’m serious.

Is boring as hell because it’s full of people you already know are boring and already know youre a pervert, and it’s really hard to stalk people you barely know or can persuade to "meet up" . . . "y’know just to hang out".

And of course NOW It’s just full of ratty arse advertising. WAY worse than myspace, and even worse than spam because it’s all allowed.

So facebook is over. Good fuckin riddance, I never liked it anyway.

STUPID FUCKIN FACEBOOK WIDGET DOESN’T EVEN WORK.YOU COULD HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR 6 MONTHS AND I WOULDN’T KNOW BECAUSE I’M ON FACEBOOK WHERE STALKING IS BAD MEANWHILE ON MYSPACE I’VE ALREADY BEEN SHOT DEAD IN THE CROSSFIRE BETWEEN MYSPACE ADMIN AND THE SPAMMERS.

Spam staright and spam true, oh ye followers of the tigers penis!!!

Finally doing stuff again

2008-03-30T18:46:00.002+13:00

We almost pulled the plug on RC last week!!!Instead we flipped the script and finally dropped some RCTV material!

http://nz.youtube.com/user/RealityCompound

I’m not embedding because I’m keeping it real for the fans just for now.Follow us on our official blog

http://realitycompound.blogspot.com

Right now I’m updating with classic myspace bulletins from 2006 everyday.

SO ANYWAY.

We thought about dropping RC just because we’re so heavily into bringing back the pirate vibe. Soon you’ll be able to check out new songs and vids with the follow up to 2006’s "Get Real" - our new project tentatively titled "Pirate Compound".

Although our next album is going to be a total concept album which is totally piratecore and basically all about the pirates . . .

I just wanna send a message out to all the kids, and this is important to understand why I haven’t been around and am getting into pirates (where the money is) rather than taking the piss out of crapped out psuedo celebrities and emo’s on myspace.

People say money can’t buy you happiness.

THAT IS A TOTAL LOAD OF SHIT!

THEY’RE PROBABLY POOR AND STUPID (THUS WHY THEY’RE POOR) ...AND WOULDN’T FUCKIN KNOW

A lot of kids see bands on TV and think that must be cool and that being in a band is crazy and gets you laid heaps.

That’s not untrue. But having pots of dosh is like WAY WAY better.So your fakexcore advice right now is that though being cool is cool, it is really hard to be cool if youre not rich first.

So you should immediately stop trying to be cool and think about how you can get rich. Seriously.Seeya soon!

xx Matt

Classic myspace bulletin 24: Outcomes for myspace (2005)

2008-03-29T05:08:00.001+13:00

READING ON OUTCOMES FOR MYSPACE
What will eventually happen to MySpace? The same thing that happens to all breakthrough ideas that become absorbed by corporate culture. Did you see the announcements about the new MySpace Records and its first CD, a compilation they call rock? Now let's be fair, the selection is no worse than any other pile of soul-less over produced corporate crap. In fact, it's a shade better, a little spunkier.

Is this sour grapes? I hate corporate compilations. All they are is mix tapes without the integrity. But I do wish the comp was more like MySpace.

What's great about MySpace is that it's a world in miniature at your fingertips. One minute you run into hip hop, the next black metal, and then something so underground you can't figure out how to categorize it. But what did MySpace Records do? The same thing any corporation with a corporate IQ would do, they wanted to maximize potential sales by marketing to a niche and they didn't want to turn that niche off by including content they might not like. Just like corporate radio. Yawn. What a bore.

Look at the way they marketed it. You get to put extra pictures up if you buy it! Oh boy! Hey I got an idea, MySpace, before exploiting your membership and the artists you probably won't pay a cent to for being on the compilation why don't you spend those time and money resources on making the site function smoothly? It's lots of fun refreshing the browser a hundred times a day so you can hear a song or add a friend.

What happens next? Probably the same thing that happened to MP3.com. As MySpace rolls out its record company, it's movie production group, it's television development partnerships, what was once a thriving community of individuals will turn into a marketing machine for the big corporations.

Did you know that people get paid to research YOUR profile? Corporations would normally have to pay huge amounts of money and risk accusations of privacy invasion to get the info about the likes and dislikes of age groups and regions that hangs like ripe fruit on the trees of our profiles. But all they are doing is looking in a mirror; unless they seek what chaos theorists call noise, the smaller movements on the outskirts that wind up turning over the whole system. Mammals in the world of the dinosaurs.

My guess is as margins are squeezed and budgets are drained what will happen is what always happens, the site will become too obviously devoted to the promotion of corporate product and somebody else will come along with a wrinkle on the same idea and first the few will be there looking down their noses at the rest of us still on MySpace, then the mass stampede will occur. Seen the Simpsons and Family Guy on MySpace recently? Murdoch owns Fox and now MySpace. Expect lots of cross promotions.

I say this all the time. There is no way around the crapiness of corporate culture. Everything that is great about art and music is the opposite of corporate culture. Corporations are parasites that have grown so huge they have all but killed their hosts.

When you hear little bits of great rock songs that once heralded revolution matched to images of SUVs and balding men smiling confidently it's like glimpsing inside a huge parasite and seeing decayed bits of what it destroyed floating around in its guts.

Our culture is dying for two things right now. First, we need artists, writers and musicians who are absolutely against the grain and don't give a shit. We're out here. There's more of us than you think and the future of what you love about art and music is with us. But we need you.

We need a new audience. An audience that is eager for the real shit. An audience that will passionately support and communicate the real shit. You ever see people's lists of favorite bands and think holy fuck these bands are all dead. It really touches me when I see it in riot grrrl groups. List your favorite bands. Almost every name is a band that is no more, that stopped existing ten years ago. The OG riot grrrls would have had none of that. They wanted their own bands, bands right now.

Make your own bands. Be a prospector and hunt for gold in the wasteland out here. Don't just passively lay back and accept the corporate dildo. Real art and music can change lives.

Classic myspace bulletin 23: Word from management

2008-03-29T05:03:00.000+13:00

A word from our manager, DJ Romantech.

EZ now all massive and kru, tis the one, the only DJ Romantech of the Data:bass net, internationally reknowned- Reppin RC full screen, full spectrum, each and every time. Rockin’ the crowd, rockin the bass, yes, slammin in ya chest-PEACE! respect.

Just layin it down for all culture to recognise the size and know that them these bulletins that you is getting each and everytime ‘longside on the mic, keeping it locked for all the wickedly massive junglist ravers holding out tight for the bass drop, will cease and become only available ‘longside the Reality Compound CD-ROM bound for the reload surely enough in January of the ’06.

EZ now gangsta junglists, all original rave massive inside the ride, ‘longside the Reality Compound massive REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEspect all culture in a fashion!

Just remember:

Don’t tell me what. To. Do
You’re not my. Real. Dad

And . . . please don’t cry . . . in the morninnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng

Classic myspace bulletin 22: Add Juan

2008-03-29T05:01:00.001+13:00

Add Juan

Hola Chicas!

I am Juan, and I look for women who can handle my fire. Fire from the thrust of my hips and my huge manhood. I love hot cars and even hotter women. You would like to ride in my Z-28, yes? It is flaming red and hot like my manhood. I can teach you the sexual Rumba, and your head will explode like a hot tamale! You will scream, Jesus Christo! My head explode like a hot tamale! But no, not Jesus Christo, it is Juan that make you scream when your head explode like a hot tamale --from red hot salsa manhood you become slave to.

You think they tough in East LA? let me show you tough. I drink gasoline. I eat metal appliances. I shit on homies from East LA and they say, Oh no, it is Juan, come to East LA to steal our bitches and eat our metal appliances. And yes, I steal the bitches and all burn up in the fire of hot Rumba passion, making your head explode like a hot tamale.

I show you machismo. I drink homies gasoline and drive away in my red hot Z-28 and all homies say, Oh no, Juan drink our gasoline and drive away with our bitches.

So, if you look real nice and you like hot picante in your panties then we get together and have a real good time.

Classic myspace bulletin 22: Add Juan

2008-03-29T05:01:00.000+13:00

Classic myspace bulletin 20/21: Mangoes and Man servant

2008-03-29T05:00:00.000+13:00

Mangoes are bad

This is our commitment to you our friends, that as the champagne pours and the special cigarettes get passed around that we renew our oath to bring light where once there was darkness and say . . .

Mangoes are very, very bad.

Mangoes were created as the perfect fruit, flavoursome like a citrus, juicy and sweet like a delicious peach or nectarine, filled with nutrients, soft and morish like the banana, New Zealand's favourite fruit.

But lo! Heed our word when we say beware of the Mango!

For after a dizzying feast of mangoes on this night just past, here we still remain almost some 24 hours later with toothpick and dental floss in hand picking that damn shit out of our teeth!

For all it's juicy goodness, it really is not worth it! Dally not with it's sweet tender fibres that in days to follow you shall be maddened by the tenacious strands!!

Hey-nah, Hey-nah our butlers back.

It has been an awesome 24 hours here in the compound following yesterdays 1000+ add celebration!!!

As planned we have also entered 2nd Phase, especially with help from our friend, and internet technician Whore I Fucking Is, who is on a noble quest to support underground music.

http://www.myspace.com/whoreiam

It is the first day of summer here in New Zealand, and it feels great!!! All our contracts and order of business at the K.urb Corporation have been determined for the rest of the year, we are paid up and the K.urb christmas party is all planned out. We continue to plan next years CD-rom, TV project and Australasian tour.

BUT IN ADDITION, OUR BUTLER DANIEL HAS RETURNED FROM PRISON!!! After recieving a non custodial sentence, Daniel has returned to his work here at the compound which means:

No dishes!!!

No cleaning the shower!!!

No mowing the lawn!!!

Just research, music, and being pretentious hipster fuckwits!!!!

This is just fucking ace!!!!

Classic myspace bulletin 19: 1000 friends on myspace

2008-03-29T04:55:00.000+13:00

1000 friends

From all of us here in the compound in Grey Lynn, Auckland, New Zealand, to all of you in the extended compound family, our love and respect to you all, celebrating this momentous occasion! We bring good vibes to all and in our collective memory, acknowledgement of the tremendous comments, messages and raconteurish banter.
Acknowledgement to all those who added “I need Myspace” to their page!

We will not stop.

Our vow to you is that we, as pretentious intellectual fuckers who remain in constant state of hip, and with our ongoing research into alternative knowledge we will continue to bring you what light we can gather from the darkness of the 21st century!

Through out the universe we shall continue to celebrate the heady modernistic sound of the 80’s and sleazy electro, in counterpart with the jaw dropping depths of indie shoegaze guitar heroics.

Throughout the world we shall transform this myspace of mindless prattle and whoring and surveys and chain bulletins and honking if you love Jesus.

And throughout each part of New Zealand (And parts of Australia!!!) we shall pose ridiculously as we play our shitty music and simulate sex with the floor.

May whatever energies govern your life keep you safe and fulfilled:

Style Over Substance

Evil Robot
Kyle Machlaclan MF
Knowledgeable Individual
Turkey Berserkey
Poon Tange Marx
The Mad Hater

The Further

Matt
Rex
Haze

Research Aides & Partners

MC I’m Ian Curtis (R.I.P.)
Rick the Grouse (R.I.P.)
Mate Dejanavich (R.I.P)
DJ Romantech
!39z and 309z media
Catguts & The Big Bang Theory
Yeast Infection
Sword +4
4.5 hertz

Also extra sexy hot man loving going out to Scotty “too Hottie” Rocker. Oooooh couldn’t you just eat that up? Almost worth getting a tit job for!

And of course misty, milky, creamy love drops to that woman who really puts the snow on our peaks, hoists our mainsail and puts the wind in it . . . Ambrozia . . .
<3 <3 <3 [sigh]

Classic myspace bulletin 18: Act like you know

2008-03-29T03:36:00.001+13:00

Act Like You Know

Earlier in the year, delegates from the Reality Compound flew to New York to meet with legendary club DJ Frankie Bones, the man who brought raving to America and raised Dance music up from the underground.

And he told them of his forthcoming CD:

“Act Like You Know”

The CD was just full of really bland, boring Techno that would have sounded fresh in 94. But in the music was a life changing message for RC Crew.

“Act Like You Know”

And indeed, it was the internet, it was America, and it was the land of the free. And to be true hipsters, it was a code for them always to follow. Acting like they knew was not to require of them anything but total acceptance and assumption of a preconceived notion – thus needing no acknowledgement or validation unless called upon.

Since the dawn of time, humans have acted as if they knew.

In his song, “Act Like You Know” Fat Larry Sang:

“There are always stars in the firing line”

It’s an extremely funky tune so even though it might not make sense it must have some significance. He also spoke of:

“Finding a beat that will make you hot to trot.”

But of course the fundamental principal in question had to be layed bare. Why must one act in order to appear as if one knows? It is simple. The act of all-knowing is that which you would prescribe to your god or your spiritual entities that are perceived to be spiritually superior, and only a radical egotist would be deluded enough to believe they themselves were atop the chain of universal wisdom. And thus it is a pretense to believe so and a weakness.

And sun tzu in his classic treatise “The Art of War” who spoke of such things, writing that the victor in the outcome of any conflict is the one who knows his own and his enemies strengths and weaknesses best. And in this way sight can be blind, that to the enemy, ones appearance, one image, ones presence must mask their identity and the true nature of their intentions.

And what of the humble? Humility is an act of love and respect. The real world nor the internet is not the place for such acts to be taken lightly. But it is a dainty craft and discipline also for one who acts as if they know to never be drawn on such a matter in which they do not know, for it is all cloak and dagger, and smoke and mirrors.

“Dark are the nights at sea, that my blind eyes may look upon the future and ask.”

- Homolopolus (ancient philosopher)

Classic Myspace Bulletins 17: Turkey Berzerkey

2008-03-29T03:31:00.000+13:00

The Tales of Turkey Berserkey

Turkey Berserkey. The name goes back eons to a time in Grey Lynn before the coming of the real estate agents, in this time when hipsters huddle in fear of eviction under the force of market speculation. A time when Grey Lynn was over run with what were known as “scabby dogs”, who ran in vicious packs terrorizing children, and doing poo-poos on the verge.

But not Turkey. He believed the scabby dogs were our friends. He ran amongst them. He called upon them as if they were his “Army”. A dog army. Of which he was the head, and the artist Askew was his deputy, and every scabby dog who roamed the park was an ally and a friend. And as we stepped into a new, anti-nuclear age, it was an army of salvation, that dogs might no longer bite the children coming to and from school, but were probably likely to still do poo-poos.

In ’88 a band was formed. Turks on vocals. Sloppy Kiss on Sax. Zeb on Synth and Herbie (who some may remember from the first Treasure Island) taking up the rhythm with paintbrushes on wooden chairs, and Meauli on the shakers. They called themselves “The Droogs” after the ultra-violent group of futuristic teens from Burgess’ dystopic classic “A Clockwork Orange”.

The smash hit “Barnip by Barnip by Binny bong” took Richmond Rd Primary by storm. The lyrics were as such.

I was walking down the street when I saw a Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)
She was so Barney I had to be a Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)

Barnip-by-Barnip-by-Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong)
Barnip-by-Barnip-by-Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong)

I took her to the Barning dressed in Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)
We did the Barndog and the Binny Binny Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)

Barnip-by-Barnip-by-Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong)
Barnip-by-Barnip-by-Binny-Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong)

We got Barnied and had a Binny Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)
We’re so Barnip in a happy little Binny Bong
(binny-bong binny –bong binny-bong binny bong)

Critics raved:
“It’s a deconstructive metaphor for pop culture. The parameters have been reconstituted. The subject has been recontextualised. “Barnip” is a new, bold face on the horizon of modern music.”
But teachers were up in arms, citing lewd references included in the song penned by the precocious 9 year olds. But they were loved, and they were a force that could not be stopped.

But their return performance at the school fundraiser was to fall spectacularly apart at the seams when Sloppy Kiss buckled under the pressure and was forced to go offstage, shattering the confidence of the newly crowned group, and the performance went down in flames. Some have speculated an infection of girl germs or possible kooties, while others stated the groups fondness for coke, and other fizzy drinks.

Girl germs have certainly pointed to a decline in Turks activities, though it has recently been suggested as a heady 6 year old he had been implicated as the key financier in a plot to blow up the school with battery acid. Over a 6 week period Turks is believed to have sourced as much as $20 from his mothers spare change kitty, which was poured into the purchase of batteries. When the embezzlement was discovered, Turk took the deal and fingered his partners as the ring leaders.

Speculation and supposition of later activities is rife. For as if harkening some kind of primal return, Grey Lynn Park was said to be inhabited on afternoons by those named as the “Togpeople” or the “Togmen” of which there was a mighty “Togman”. It was a secret society of individuals from many schools, that eschewed the Paddling Pool as the realm of “babies” and took to mischievous behaviour and absurd acts, wearing upon their heads their togs and donning their towels as great, flowing capes, whereas footwear would be worn upon the hands. It was then that the jealously guarded secret of the Grey Lynn Park Treasure Tree began. Some say it still functions to this day.

Remnants of this movement were known to have latched on to the “Viking Club” another such secret society where mysterious rites took place, for the inner sanctum was only accessible by members of the highest of 33 orders and was said to contain cigarettes and pictures of naked ladies, as this was where they would gather to indulge in the mysterious practice that is to "Vike".

All that is known is now, he brings a proud history of Grey Lynn heritage to the Compound team, that echoes through the ages as surely now as do them natty synthesizers that make you just gotta bop.
-----------------------------------------------

Classic Myspace Bulletins 16: Grey Lynn Park festival = no

2008-03-29T03:29:00.001+13:00

Grey Lynn Park Festival = No

If you outsiders are planning on coming to the Grey Lynn festival, just drop it. Don't bother. Just . . . take it from us, just sizzle your little sausage and put on your fat freddy's tape and stay at fucking home. We don't want you to come to our neighbourhood and sample our rich cosmopolitan lifestyle. Like, get your own. 50,000+ people in that little fucking park? We're lucky we're still getting to have it!

Do we rock down to your local swing'n slide and start perusing market goods while skanking to live roots reggae? Displays? Bouncy Castle? Battered Sausage?

Anyone parking around the compound in order to gain better acces to the skanking, or the Bouncy Castle or the Battered Sausages will be sneered at without discretion.

We will likely be laughing heartily on our deck continuing in our quest to embody the hip elite, watching you cultureless vampires scurry like carrion, knowing this is Grey Lynn. And this is our home - wether there's 70,000 people in the park or a roaming stray dog who may bite you on the way to school.

(PS local kids you know the rules. If you take a treasure from the tree hiding place, you must replace it with a treasure of equal value, or you will be found)

Classic myspace bulletin 15: Controversial new Rap single from Compound Associate

2008-03-29T03:26:00.002+13:00

Controversial New Zealand based rapper MC Peter Blake MF who has been associated with Reality Compound gang members and b-boys is currently in the studio recording his controversial new single “MC Peter Blake M***erF***er 4 Lyfe”. Which has raised a cry of outrage from all those rich yachting twats with all their cash.

We told them to go build another shitty looking apartment block and then they were happy.

MC Peter Blake MF had this to say about his new single:

“The new single is like my tribute to Peter. He lived like a gangsta, and he died like a gangsta, raining hail from the hand cannon, repping up in his shit for his hood and all the little shorties. Peter showed when you’re gangsta for life, there ain’t no price you won’t pay to hold that shit down.”

Word has it that MC Peter Blake MF has joined the Reality Compound in their quest to return America’s Cup glory to New Zealand. “For Peter, it was about the Bling. It was about the gold cups, the big keels, and all of that. He was a thug for life, but he wanted to raise himself outta the ghetto. But the ghetto was raised outta him the night them pirates came up in his shit, that’s why he had to come blasting off shots like a true homie, ruthless to the death.”

“Y’all gotta tip yo 40 to my nigger Peter Blake yo. Word is born. If my nigger Peter was here, he’d straight bust a cap straight in all o’y’all’s head word? Cos that’s the kinda nigger he was. A killer. He’d cold smoke your ass where you stand. And that is real.”

Reality Compound are now working with MC Peter Blake MF on a hip hop rework of New Zealand’s BEST SELLING single of the golden era of 1987: “Sailing Away”

Sailing Away
Sailing Away
New Zealand can do it
Take it away

One people, on the water . . . (sing it, everybody)
One people, on the land
Something a rather together
Something something hand in hand!

Sailing away . . . [that's right motherfucker!]
sailing away . . . [to all my niggers locked down]
New Zealand can do it . . . [hhhhooollllaaaa!!!]
Take it away . . . [it's the motherfucking remix!!!]

up inna clurb!!!*

And the chorus again, repeat!!!

Sailing-

What about that other ad from the 80’s?

“Australia’s got a lot of girls,
A lot of girls it’s got!
Let’s go Air New Zealand
Air New Zealand’s got the lot!”

What the fuck?

*St. Heliers Yacht Club

-----------------------------------------------

Classic Myspace Bulletins 13/14: We are hipsters

2008-03-26T03:59:00.000+13:00

Hipsters, k?

We are hipsters, alright?

Do you know what the fuck that means?

People who read dead trees on white bread like the Herald and the fucking Listener know that we know what is cool, even if some of you stupid fuckers don't.

Do you know what we do all day? We ruthlessly take the piss out of one another and deliver ferocious cuts to the ego concerning theories on musical and fashion trends, and new directions in modern thinking.

So if some of you little fucking teeny boppers don't back up off of our shit you are gonna be made an example of, because it runs deeply in our veins and we can't just stand here tolerating your obnoxious affronts with a plastic smile on our faces, like you will ever even concieve what it is to be connoisseurs of cool such as we.

To all our hipster friends, it's all good. Just taking out a bit of human trash here on the 'space before it becomes a pest control issue.

Now anyone around the compound this morning may have heard Zed playing, but I assure you this was simply an abberration caused by the fact that our mother/aunty was visiting and she wanted to listen to her "Nature's best" CD.

Now in other news . . . new track

"GET SOME PUSSY!"

featuring local electro maniac rave freak 4.5 hertz!!

especially for our friend albi, the white pussy!!!

"We gots cats cold rockin like strays at foodtown
We gotta get some pussy yeah up in this thing now
So all you tabbys and all you long hairs
Gotta get some pussy now, just like the compound says!"

get some pussy!

get some pussy!

GET SOME PUSSY!

GET SOME PUSSAY!!!

YEAH, AND YOU KNOW THIS!!!!

AND WE'RE COMING UP ON OUR 1000th add!!!

Definately celebrations and messages of love and respect to ensue!

I said “Hipsters, K?”

I repeat, for those who didn't get it the first time!

We are hipsters and we are intellectuals.

We are university men and have a proud history rooted in Grey Lynn and 12 years experience of the uptown hipster scene.

Hipsters are ferocious beasts who prey upon unsuspecting Teeny Boppers with no knowledge of hip or intellectual ways. But we have put these ways aside in the spirit of comraderie, oneness, unity, and understanding.

But if you fucking little teeny boppers don't engage your brains before asking us stupid fucking questions YOU WILL BE MADE AN EXAMPLE OF.

I mean you could . . . use your brain . . to get your eyes to read . . . our profile . . . y'know?

I'm sorry but it's in our very nature as snide, pretentious hipsters to do so. We will repost you as a bulletin, and your picture, and your stupid questions in a bulletin to all our friends, k?

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A DISRESPECTFUL TONE.

Who are you?

Are you a band?

What are you trying to do?

Why do you post bulletins all the time?

What are you talking about?

Do you understand how much of this we get? Fuck off, already!

If you're that much of an idiot, we can't really help you with that, I'm sorry! But be quiet and you might fucking learn something!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Hipsters vs Scenesters: Learning the difference

2008-03-26T03:55:00.000+13:00

Today we're going to be learning some fundamental lessons on subcultural societies and values. Fundamentally, the two main strands by which subcultural information is reinforced and appropriated.

A hipster is someone who follows what is percieved to be cool by consensus - with a fundamental awareness of this fact, and the long history of hip that it has developed from. This is though to stem from combinations of the Romantic poets and writers of what was dubbed “pulp fiction” in the 19th century and the theories developed upon the concept of Dialectical Materialism developed by Karl Marx, and the emancipation of labour. This continues with the expansion of the middle class Post WWII war, and the creation of the “Teenager” as a distinct social identity. Perhaps more on the development of leisure, and the consequent rise of counter culture at another point.

A hipster is aware that though the 80’s and what are 4th wave “punks” are cool - or perhaps simply just popular, just as house music was popular in the late 90’s and Grunge was cool in the very early 90’s, it will not always be cool in the timeless manner of say, The Velvet Underground for example, or perhaps David Bowie, or Bob Marley who remain in a stasis of cool though even this is not an ongoing certainty to any adaptable hipster, for example, Bob Dylan, whose hipster uber icon status has looked tenuous at points.

The early pioneers of modern day hip, were of course those such as Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley, who discovered by adapting, and forgoing arbitrary notions of "scene" they could continue to be relevant as icons. It is of course Madonna who continues to lead research to the extent to which this theory applies and the half life of that which is hip.

A hipster knows that what is cool today, may not necessarily be cool tomorrow, and is ready and adaptable.

A scenester is someone who believes that what they believe to be cool now, has already achieved a state of inert coolness. Sometimes this is the result of a passionate personality with deep commitment to personal beliefs and values, but more often is the result of the bearing of such a personality on another, weaker personality, who is easily told what is cool and what to believe in.

Often insecure about their beliefs, unlike the steadfast “Alpha” scenesters, they seek to appropriate scene motifs and scene regalia in an attempt to underline and enforce (or perhaps even “compound”) the sometimes uncertain reality of their identity and their friendships within the all important "scene".

Of course we are not making a judgement about wether being a Hipster whose concept of what is cool is fluid, based around a few erudite concepts, is better than being a Scenester, whose identity is a heavily prescribed amalgamation of concepts that are still being formed at the forefront of subcultural developments.

It is merely an effort to help foster understanding between hipster and scenester communities, as hipsters often eschew the thoughtless arbitrations of scenesters, while scenesters struggle with the inherent dynamicism of hipsters with it's groundless uncertainty.

Classic Myspace Bulletins 12: Deadspace.com

2008-03-25T00:39:00.001+13:00

www.deadspace.com

Again, another bulletin for all our friends who are dead, or connected to the other side. I know you hate all these annoying "add this/that person" bulletins but we actually only know three dead people who haven't passed over to the light.

IAN CURTIS

www.deadspace.com/imiancurtis

Ian Curtis is a singer and sometimes helps out with our tunes but we always credit "MC I'm Ian Curtis" because our connection with him isn't particularly strong and you can never be 100% sure if it's really his spirit, or some fat old loser spirit pretending he's like this hipster icon spirit. Fake accounts - what're you gonna do?

For those who don't know Ian, he was the singer of New Order back when they were Joy Division, and their name was taken from that of the "Aryan" women hand picked by Hitlers breeding program to be repeatedly impregnated by the finest "Aryan" stock from the SS, hitlers elite guard. (Girls. remember that word we've been learning? Irony?)

You might know their song "Love will tear us apart". They weren't extremely good but they were extremely influential and are thus extremely hip.

RICK THE GROUSE

www.deadspace.com/rickthegrouse

Rick was a funny bird (a "grouse") who worked with us in the compound and died last week from Bird Flu. We actually haven't heard from him since he died, but, hey, you know what a fiend he was on Myspace!

Of course this probably had more to with the fact that the actor who played Rick in Reality Compound was caught having an affair with one of the young starlets who was said to be linked romantically to one of the shows main stars.

MATE DEJANAVICH

www.deadspace.com/matedejanavich

Mate (pronounced like matty, it's slavic) Dejanavich is a friend of ours here at the compound, and he rooms with Evil Robot, where he is believed to have hung himself in 1925. His only direct contact has been with Mother Robot and Grandmother Robot, at which point he indicated his identity and made a request for help.
Other than playing with the light fittings now and again, Mate has been fairly docile of recent years, most notably as his favourite prowling spot on the porch outside his room is now being used more predominantly as a thoroughfare and there is a strong suspision he has actually gapsed it off to the light, the cheeky old sod, the dirty dog diddler, but nah, good on'm if he has.

Classic Myspace Bulletins 11: Bored on myspace

2008-03-25T00:35:00.000+13:00

Bored?

We haven't been bored since '93.

True story.

Why? And how? We are hipsters. We embody the quest for art and knowledge everyday here at the Compound. It drives us like an engine, combusting raw fuels of inspiration into hard fast monuments of our existance, compounded again and again into new totems of hyper-reality, till they are but dust, and our spirit soars beyond the realms of living memory.

And when unrest bothers the mind, none other than the knives and razors of wit and conjecture are produced, cutting from the bloated hulk, debating the very clarity of hipster certainty, for it is nothing but tomorrow.

Now You wouldn't be the types of girls who sit around preening and primping because your boyfriends in a band and you are happy to draw your hipness by association?

For shame!

We are:

Critics
Musicians
Writers
Performers
Actors
Theorists
Philosophers
Media Terrorists
Film Makers
Photographers
Artists
Partakers of substances
Coffee Drinkers

and in sum all hipsters and intellectuals, every one. Fine arts float amongst the very plasma that pumps our blood. Do you want to die unknown, unwitnessed? Was your life surmountable to that of the lemming whose only joy and drive was to follow others and abruptly curtail it's own existance?

Boredom has no name here.

We are the people of the compound!

Classic Myspace Bulletins 10: Why Linkin park isn't cool

2008-03-25T00:33:00.001+13:00

Why Linkin Park are totally like, the coolest band.

Cos like, they were like, before they were Linkin Park right, they were like Hybrid Theory, and I don't know if they were shit back then, but that was like, totally their name.

And then like they just totally like had this awesome idea! I mean apart from the fact that they totally like invented putting DJ's together with like a band and that, but then like, they said:

"Why don't we like, totally change our name to like Lincoln Park! Cos like, that's where we totally hang out, and like skate and stuff and we don't do drugs. Cos drugs are wrong. And like we'll totally like, change the spelling and spell it like y'know, like - "Linkin" so it's kinda like "korn" or "bizkit" - like it's like you totally have to have a K in your name if you're gonna make it in the industry.

But what turned out to be totally the coolest thing about changing their name to Linkin Park was that their CD's were now right next to all the Limp Bizkit CD's so any kids who were totally like into Limp Bizkit would like totally check us out and the be totally, like into Linkin Park!!!

Then they became like totally like famous and it was all like totally cool from then. And they called our album Hybrid Theory so that was all good as well.

Classic Myspace Bulletins 8/9: Build a brain zombie

2008-03-25T00:31:00.000+13:00

BUILD YOUR OWN BRAIN!
Hey, kids, hang out on Myspace everyday, that's what an american would do!!! Blow the fucker sky high!

And get a Robot to do it for you!!! Build your own brain!!! Never think again!!

Hungry? Eat your legs!!! Yummy!

Why not? Buy Now! Sell High!

Make sacrifices to take risks . . . reach for the sky, just don't look at the sun . . .

Boring

Change channel

MYSPACE ZOMBIES
Can you see me type?

Helloooooo??

Beware of the myspace zombies!!! They are coming with second hand personality disorder to destroy you and eat your soul! You will spend the rest of your life in cyber hell filling out surveys and reposting myspace bulletins.

Who cares if you fall victim to a cyber hex and the rest of the world never finds out that your favourite colour is blue?

We are young, full of life, hulking shards of reality form the grim steel cage in which we lock ourselves, but now, fly free . . . !

The boys from the Reality Compound maybe a bunch of hapless incompetents but we will NOT dispose ourselves to mediocrity, we will smash the confines of conformity and crush the mundane in our feeble grip!

Behold . . . and do not fear. We do not challenge you to step outside yourselves, for those who wander this place lost without life shall be given hope . . .

Boring

Change channel

Classic Myspace Bulletins 8: Starting an emo band

2008-03-25T00:30:00.000+13:00

That's right, we're all by ourselves, but there's a little piece of you and me, walking down the street.

Help us choose a name for our new Emo band!!!!

And the entries are:

A. I feel so cold

B. Inside I'm alone

C. lonely in love

D. all alone

E. this empty reign

F. the cold comforts

G. not happy, not sad

H. wipe the tears

I. be still

J. because I am

K. where I fall

L. hard like love

M. sum of pain

N. by myself

O. bury my heart

P. tears of blood

Feel free to add suggestions. Just remember we live rent-free in a big house in Grey Lynn and it's really, y'know . . . like hard, y'know growing up and stuff, coming to deal with like, y'know, this totally fucked up like, world, where everythings like, y'know a corporate commodity to feed y'know, like the corporate machine and stuff.

We just want to be young, in love and drink coca-cola. Or Whatever. Y'know?

LOVE IS NOT FOR SALE, RONALD MACDONALD!

WE ARE like, x_PUNKCORE_x totally!

Like, fuck the system man!

Till the scars have healed and the tears have dried, and we meet again . . .

Love and self harm,

- TEAM RC

Classic Myspace Bulletins #7: Meandering moose a mystery

2008-03-25T00:26:00.000+13:00

MEANDERING MOOSES ARE A MYSTERY
Generally, moose aren't considered to be long-distance migrators. They tend to stick to a year-round territory or move relatively short distances between winter range and summer range. However, the moose that move between the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and Old Crow Flats travel up to 196 kilometers in each direction, the farthest that any moose are known to migrate in Alaska.

The attraction is food. Old Crow Flats provide ideal summer habitat for moose, the biologist says. The shallow lakes and ponds are full of aquatic plants, and several partially-drained lake basins offer both aquatic vegetation and willows, another staple in the moose's diet.

So, if the habitat is so attractive, why do they leave in winter? The scientists still aren't sure.

FOR THOSE WHO ARE A LITTLE BIT CONFUSED OR WEIRDED OUT BY THIS REMEMBER REALITY COMPOUND ARE DEDICATED TO MOOSE ATTACK PREVENTION AND EDUCATION.

THERE ARE WILD MOOSE IN NEW ZEALAND! THEY LIVE IN NELSON.

PLEASE!!! NEVER TOUCH A MOOSE YOU DON'T KNOW!!!

Classic Myspace Bulletins 6: Emergency Arsectomy

2008-03-25T00:24:00.000+13:00

EMERGENCY ARSECTOMY
One lucky Napier teenager is now safe and happy recovering after an alarming incident, in which crappy Auckland-based music collective Reality Compound saved the day.

Sending a message to congratulate the teen on her recent venture into the adult movie industry, the internet savvy Band members became concerned that an apparent reference to llama’s was actually a far more deep and sinister cry for help – and alarm bells began to sound when the bandmates realised the poor girl had in fact laughed her ass off.

The quick thinking musos dashed to the scene of the emergency and were able to act in time to stop the laughter and save the arse from any permanent damage by performing an emergency arsectomy on the spot.

Said a spokesman for the band:
“She was the brave one. Besides . . . we got to touch her ass.”

Classic Myspace Bulletins 5: Stoush on Queen St.

2008-03-25T00:23:00.000+13:00

In a reality compound exclusive we bring you an eye witness report from Compound crew member Turkey Berserkey, whose parents were once forced to pay for a Helicopter that landed in the field of Richmond Rd Primary he ordered to pick his friends up from school.

Turkey reports that today Queen St. in Auckland became the setting for bitter confrontation and gang retribution.

“When we arrived on the scene, this big hoary looking fella was being restrained and that little kid who plays the piano [with the furry toy bee on his wrist?] was with these G’s. When the pigs showed up, we saw that his keyboard was smashed to the ground. We figured some wiseguy had tried to shakedown lil’ bee for his scrill but the local hoodrats stepped in. But it was the synth that paid the ultimate price of life on the streets.”

Poor little toy bee on his wrist guy! He’d be traumatised!
The Compound will definitely be showing love once he’s ready to bring his game back to the street. Stay strong, lil’ Bee!

Fellow buskers had this to say:

“Hip Hop
You Don’t Stop
Rockin’ to the beat.”

Classic Myspace Bulletins 4: Hey

2008-03-25T00:21:00.000+13:00

Hullo there, friend to the Reality Compound!

Howsit going? We hope you are well.

Our agenda is about bringing more information, humour and understanding to Myspace, and through seeking to build up a relationship of trust with our friends, it is important that we do not indulge in anything that would compromise that trust in our mission to destroy fakeness. It is not our intention to promote our music. Our music is shit, it’s supposed to be.

We here at the compound were just writing to you to dicuss in earnest ways in which we might acquire more friend requests specifically because we DO NOT WHORE.

But we understand it is only through hard work and commitment to what you are doing have you built up your friends list. We are not asking you to simply Whore us because we have asked. We are looking for ways in which we can reciprocate a possible whoring of our profile, appreciating that it is a huge favour, especially as we cannot reciprocate in kind. We can offer anything from a copy of our forthcoming CD-rom, a feature on Reality Compound CD-Rom or show, to the myspace equivalent of doing your dishes for a week. If there’s something we can do, just ask.

Thanks, TEAM RC

Classic Myspace Bulletins 3: America's cup challenge

2008-03-09T02:07:00.000+13:00

TEAM RC: AMERICA'S CUP CHALLENGE

In a bold new initiative Team Reality, from Compound HQ announced their plans to contest The America’s Cup, whenever it’s happening.

Calling on vast overseas capital and vested financial interests, Team Reality have brought to the table an intensive campaign with a budget of over $37.

Team Leader Evil Robot:

“It’s about Kiwi pride. It’s about courage. It’s about showing the world that Kiwis can do it. We may not be backed by rich white financier type cats like these other guys, but we’ve shown that New Zealand can do it once and we can do it again. All we need is a dream and a “we can do it” kiwi attitude. And socks. A shitload of fucking socks.”

The Team Reality yacht will most likely be made of wood, say team designers. Or Plastic. Or some secret new awesome new shit that they haven’t thought of yet. They are said to be in sponsorship negotiations with supermarket giant Foodtown. “Well, if we can get a whole lot of those plastic bags, we might be able to make a sail. We could get a lighter and try and melt them together.”

And the $37? "That's a flat white, a long black, A mocha Latte, A soy Latte, two soya mocha lattes and a packet of Marlboro."

Team Reality will be representing “The Grey Lynn Park Paddling Pool Yacht Club” based at the paddling pool in Grey Lynn Park.

Classic Myspace Bulletins 2: Little baby bird hankies

2008-03-09T02:05:00.001+13:00

LITTLE BABY BIRD SIZED HANKIES:

I can't believe I was listening to the news a month back and they're all like:

"We have 800,000 vaccines for 4 million New Zealanders. If Bird Flu gets here, 200,000 people could die."

Bullshit.

And last week they're all like:

"Okay, maybe more like 30,000"

And we're like: Fuck! 30,000 people? That's heaps!

That's when Team Reality kicked into action and entered the secret Compound:

We must develop and produce Millions . . . of little . . . little wee baby . . . Bird-sized . . . Hankies.

To stop the spread of germs. So they can blow their lttle bird noses in the little-baby bird-sized hankies.

This is where we ran into a major quandry that very near caused the project to descend into debacle. Where exactly was the Bird's nose? Did they even have noses?

After calling in expert scientific opinion, we learned a birds nose was located on it's beak, or bill. They have very poor olfactory reception with the exception of the vulture.

So now comes the challenge. We need practical solutions to a problem that faces us all. We need people of spirit, people of courage, and people of thought to contribute to this noblest of endeavour, that humans and birds may walk and fly, respectively, hand . . . in um . . . wing . . . but then of course the bird couldn't fly so I guess it would have to walk.

So far our best plan is to buy kitchen wipes and cut them into very small squares. But we're still brainstorming.

And still we hold aloft a torch of hope . . .

PS We have even altered the words of our new smash single "I NEED MY SPACE" to include mention of the little-baby bird-sized hankie initiative!

Classic Myspace Bulletins 1

2008-03-09T02:03:00.000+13:00

WHAT'S A REALITY COMPOUND?
It’s like that Orange juice concentrate you buy from the supermarket. They take the orange juice and compound it by removing a majority of the water content. And you buy it from the store and add water and drink it. But it doesn’t really taste exactly like real orange juice.

And in this way, our Compound is not really like real Reality. But it’s pretty much almost the same. You just get a little bit of a processed after taste.

THE LEGEND OF THE REALITY COMPOUND

Once upon a time there was a group of boys who went to university and art school and such. They liked music, and books, and art and film and big glossy magazines from overseas full of tremendous ideas on how to be hip.

None of them had really written any music, been published, had an exhibition, made a film or been in amagazine – well, nothing of note. They would drink coffee and smoke and exchange witty banter, casting aspersions as too which one of them might be the hippest, and were most abrest of developments in modern thinking.

One day one said to the other:

“Your deconstructive critique of Gramsci’s theory of hegemony is crude and fundamentally flawed.”

And the other said:

“Do you like ice cream?”

And he said:

“Why yes I love ice cream.”

And the second said:

“Because I like Ice cram, too! Let’s be best friends!”

And from that day onwards they grabbed keyboards and synthesizers and guitars and drum machines. They sung into the mic and they simulated sex with the ground. They sung of the music they heard in a time when there only questions that mattered were “Are we there yet?” and “Can we have an Ice cream now?”
And they called themselves “Style Over Substance” but they were known as the Reality Compound because it was a story of love and life amongst the tall buildings, the online communities . . . the dirty venues, the distorted synthlines, the boys with make-up . . .and your pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty hair . . .

State of RC: Classic myspace bulletins inbound.

2008-03-08T20:44:00.003+13:00

Just thought of updating my blogs to prove I'm still alive.

basically with the market dropping out of the tiger penis industry faster than you can say "nigeria" it's not a completely unusual situation for me to find myself strapped for cash once again, kissing my sweet dreams goodbye.

Dreams including RCTV . . . that shining goal that seems ever so further away however closer I get . . .

But I found out where Ambrozia lives. It's her birthday today.

I sent her a postcard with sheep on it. But fat lot of use that'll do me with shit all cash.

Oh whatever shall I do.

Wait till they fix my beamer and just get the fuck on with it. Like I ever mattered anyway. Sheesh.

Oh RC website.

http://www.realitycompound.com

Yawn. It's coming along.

Look! You may think it's a joke. But RC is my life. I'm in no hurry to make myself accountable to the likes of you!

OH OH OH wait.

Got some classic myspace postings coming up. Gotta be done.

Penile Clamps?

2008-02-12T23:14:00.001+13:00

Anyone for penile clamps?

The guys from Google have checked out my page and THIS is the kind of ads they think I'm interested in?

Sponsored Links

Get Rich Online

Can You Copy And Paste? You Can Start Getting Rich Now!

www.TheReverseFunnelSite.com

Russian Woman like Model

Do You Want Russian Model to be Your Wife? Join. Free registration

www.Anastasia-International.com

How Do I Seduce Women?

Do Women Really Want To Be Seduced? The Answer Inside May Shock You

RealWorldSeduction.com/SeduceHer

Incontinence in Men

Our Penile Clamps Help You Live Hassle Free. Buy Two For CAD89.95!

www.IncontinenceClamp.com

Yeah pissing myself is such a drag - especially for me, a busy guy on the go. Might give a few buddies the heads up about these great Penile Clamps at www.incontinececlamp.com AND only $90 Canadian for two - that's one for a friend!

How could you say no? In fact you may as well throw a russian mail order bride on there as well and make a night of it!

Either somethings up at Google or they know something I don't and I'm a lot more fucked up than I thought I was.

Hatin' on the book

2008-02-12T23:11:00.001+13:00

I actually hate the 'book.

What's your excuse for still being on myspace?

Mine is it's gay. Did you know girls on Facebook outnumber guys 2:1?

Not surprising. Not only am I driven insane by all stupid little apps informing me so and so has "bought you a drink at the bar" or wants to "see how similar our movie tastes are" or "challenges me to an arm wrestle" - do you think I've honestly got time for this purile crap?

But facebook has also been designed to shutdown two of my favourite things about myspace.

Stalking and spamming.

Stalking on randoms/hotties/people you despise and wish to see suffer is all part of the joy of myspace!!!!

Yeah I'm a total spam ninja. Bet you didn't know that. But wait, no - I consider myself like y'know, that dude Dark Angel. I may be a spampire, but I use my powers for good instead of evil.

And why do I want to hang out with and message people I already know? I know what they're like, the magic and mystery has gone and in the clear light of day let's face it, they're boring.

Sure, if you want to fuck your ex boyfriends best friend, Facebook, probably an option there. But you'll find me sticking right here, thanks.

This from the guardian:

"And does Facebook really connect people? Doesn't it rather disconnect us, since instead of doing something enjoyable such as talking and eating and dancing and drinking with my friends, I am merely sending them little ungrammatical notes and amusing photos in cyberspace, while chained to my desk? A friend of mine recently told me that he had spent a Saturday night at home alone on Facebook, drinking at his desk. What a gloomy image. Far from connecting us, Facebook actually isolates us at our workstations.

Facebook appeals to a kind of vanity and self-importance in us, too. If I put up a flattering picture of myself with a list of my favourite things, I can construct an artificial representation of who I am in order to get sex or approval. ("I like Facebook," said another friend. "I got a shag out of it.") It also encourages a disturbing competitivness around friendship: it seems that with friends today, quality counts for nothing and quantity is king. The more friends you have, the better you are. You are "popular", in the sense much loved in American high schools. Witness the cover line on Dennis Publishing's new Facebook magazine: "How To Double Your Friends List."

(god that last "high school" part was so 2005. Who honestly thinks that way any more)

PS I got propositioned by a potential Russian bride last night, Lyudmila from Minsk. looking for the "second part of her heart"

She was hot. Unfortunately I don't do broken english (ooooo racial)

Apparently "with men in Russia, there is much problems with drink " and they "not know how to treat woman well" so she is using "the internet to interlocute and find the love."

Hot. See? Only on Myspace, baby.

Maybe . . . he’s just not that into dating advice . . .

2008-02-12T23:05:00.001+13:00

I'd like to be a love and relationships expert!

But this whole dating advice thing is getting out of control.

I've been following the growth of the PUA (pick up artist) movement over the last year, and it maybe an ad JUST GUYS get, but myspace has fully begun promoting prominent PUA Neil Strauss's (he's also a journalist who wrote marilyn manson's bio and a couple of others) new book "Rules of the Game."

Check it out here

www.myspace.com/neilstrauss

It's just another PUA manual teaching guys how to get women to have sex with you as quickly as possible. The obvious blunder is that it's a book. Guys don't read books.

Of course this has become a little dumbed down for the mainstream, but all the basic stuff is their – the psychological manipulation, body language cues, alpha behaviour etc. etc.

It made me think. I was thinking shit, just as a hot chick cant go out anywhere now without guys being all up on her, within a few years, every dude will be using these techniques, like telling a beautiful woman her hair/nails/tan/boobs "look fake" or other psychological tactics designed to play on the insecurity over the value women draw from their appearance, and turn the submissive approval seeking behaviour around to the man's favour.

It's a worldwide society; as far as I know there is a secret group in each main centre (AKL, WGTN, CHCH, DNDN) of men who meet to share and plan psychological techniques to seduce women, and then they go out and apply them.

But really, its all so forced and rehearsed, all these little routines, pitches, magic tricks, stories etc. all designed to display the kind of "alpha" male confidence - ("DV" - Demonstrate value - being rude to a pretty girl is known as "DHV" - demonstrating higher value) that sweeps women off their feet.

Let me just expand on a classic PUA analogy without going into too much detail.

A man using this PUA shit is like a woman using a big pair of fake boobs. They've taken the idea of what a man wants – nice round boobs – and just created a ridiculous caricature. And PUA plays on what women want – a confident man of value – by creating a trashy canned routine out of it but losing the magical allure of natural attraction and leaving nothing but a big fake joke.

Sure, heaps of guys love fake boobs because they're there and they're big! But it's actually a turn off for lots of "real" guys too. And fake confidence will turn some girls off . . . most girls will fall for it.

For me personally . . . do I want to get involved with a girl who thinks I'm weak or not "alpha" because I'm not afraid to say "sorry" when I'm wrong, or tell her I think she's beautiful? That I'll ask her where she wants me to take her, not "this is where we're going because I'm Alpha."? Probably about as much a girl wants to go out with a guy who'd like you more if you had implants.

(Most PUA stuff instructs to barely compliment a woman if at all possible, and NEVER apologise for anything)

But just as I share what I know with guys who don't do so well with chicks – because trust me, it does work, it's just there is limits – I've been saying to my girl buddies . . . look this stuff up! There's a whole different bunch of stuff for women to read to learn how to get what THEY want – IE to get their guy to stay put and do as theyre told.

That's when I started reading all that "He's just not that into you" stuff and realised . . . dating advice for women based on basic psychological manipulation etc. is nothing new!

And sure enough this leads onto a host of psychologically themed advice for women on manipulating men and guess what??? Apparently it's got nothing to do with being thin! Who would've thought?

I think it has something to do with propping up his ego.

Sounds about right. I wish my mother would tell me she was proud of me more.

What was it? "How to become a woman men don't leave"? or something. Sheesh.

But what we have is . . . all this PUA advice stuff out there telling men to act like cocky pricks and force women to seek your approval, and all this dating advice for women say . . . don't chase, force him to chase . . . and then make him dependant on your emotional support?

Dontcha just love the 21st century?

"We are strong, no one can tell us were wrong
Searchin our hearts for so lo-o-o-o-ong
both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield . . . "

One we can all enjoy

2008-02-12T22:55:00.000+13:00

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in The morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we Broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk . . .

old post from christmas: the people in my neighbourhood

2008-02-12T22:51:00.000+13:00

People in my neighbourhood

The Neighbour . . .

three doors down . . .

STILL has his christmas lights up.

I have a good mind to have a word with him.

This is Grey Lynn, not some bloody hippy yahoo weirdo cult commune where we flagellate ourselves with permanant christmas.

What does he think he's playing at? I've my cat Steve to think of, does he want to be put through that sort of carry on everytime he wanders out the gate?

Quite frankly, I'm disgusted.

Wow everyone's back! Apparently not everyone thought my new years bulk text which included

". . . I find mediocrity an insult and in saying that, I despise most of you . . . "

as hilarious as I did. I thought it was fucking funny. I mean did you get any stupid NY bulk texts that weren't completely predictable and gay?

What can I say, I just snapped!

Some annoying chick I gave the flick to txted me to say she "got laid last night so wont be annoying me anymore."

That goes in my "how not to get a guy back" file. I was in a total jealous rage for almost 2 seconds. Then I watched a transformers cartoon with my kid brother.

Oh and guess what???

We have a door on our bathroom like normal civilized people again!

I feel like a lord.

Its really exciting. I can have a shower without fear of gaybo's peering at my wee willy winky, though I do empathise with the disappointment in the local gaybo community.

AND Girls can now come over and make use of said facilities without worrying about my "team members" (I tend to call the people who work for me my "henchmen" but "team members" is cute) or my cousin or any other similar scruffy youths encroaching.

Romantic.

No, he's a good kid. The one time he managed to get a girl over he even "guarded" the door for her. Who's got a little sister, we can match make.

He's depressed half the time, but aren't they all?

Workin' it like what!

2008-02-12T22:38:00.000+13:00

Workin’ it like what!

It may sound like I'm a complete loser but once my phone started ringing, I was ready to go!

Holidays. Boring.

I'd rather be marketing.

I gotta call from Hollywood, up and coming pop star . . . oh shit I really cant say, you wouldn't have heard of him. But he's heard about my work. He moves in international diplomacy as a representative of his home state of Liechenstein, this fricken james bond kinda Swiss tax haven place. Stupid cash. He rolls with like, Snoop and MJ and Barack.

And he's calling me up about making online heat for his new club slammer "Girl I wanna C U Naked". It's gotta eastern flute and a robot voice that goes . . .

"Girl. Girl. I wanna C U Naked. Girl. Girl."

Then he stats into his bit, y'know the usual business about how "it's poppin' in the spot" and theres lots of cars with big shiny wheels etc.

And I thought to myself . . .

This guy is like . . .

this guy could totally be bigger than K fed.

I fuckin love my job.

You see being a marketing guy, it seems that people know I'm good, they just don't know what I'm good at.

So I got offered $500 a day to go round filming peoples businesses so I thought why not? I can learn to work a video camera! How hard can it be?

Well actually . . . I kinda built a stage in my garage so I could film bands. We had mad . . . debris . . . but we cleared that shit out!!!

Next thing . . . my cousins like "We could build a skate ramp in here."

Well. I guess.

I was kinda more interested in using the dinghy to recreate Moby Dick on Youtube.

Well we found a harpoon! Bring some bum off the street to be crazy captain ahab and I've got another friend who would make a great white whale.

And a harpoon hanging out of his head would just look so stylish!

I'm getting shivers.

I think I'm the next spielberg.

Budget Day Out on Middle Earth Space with John "kiki" Key

2007-11-27T15:36:00.000+13:00

What is with the fuckin 90's buzz for the big day out?

Talk about penny pinching.

I don't wanna go see golden oldies like bjork and Rage against the machine.Where are the bands that are like new and good and like hot as in . . . hot RIGHT NOW. Not . . . like some budget old washed up fuckers who were hot 15 years ago. Where the fuck is Jared fucking Leto?

Where's fucking Enter Shikari? I don't like shitty old bands, I like shitty new bands!

Maybe that old lot were hot and edgy like back when I was in intermediate like a million years ago. In fact that whole y'know, "fuck you, I won't do what you tell me" is really empowering for a kid when y'know, you get told off for not coming straight home from school before dark and not calling home first.

or like y'know, eating your snack pack of chippies and the biscuit but leaving the healthy fruit. But I just gave my fruit to the biggest Tongan kid in the class to make sure I didn't run into any day to day problems with any of the other kids.

I'm just wondering if they'll play the unreleased b-side "you're not even my real dad, your just some dude who fucks my mum".

I love that one.

And whats more, whats with these motherfucking Lord of the Rings fuckers?

Role players on myspace?

I've got a new dating profile. It's so I can be extra innocuous when running my game on the ladies of myspace, and make vieled references to how much dosh I pull these days.

I'm also developing for my future best seller "how to score dumb bitches on the net".

Basically it comes down to most guys being fucked in the head, and if you can gather the discipline to suppress that for 5 minutes at a time, and you're not poor, you've got it way over ther competition and she'll probably fuck you.

Anyway, it is kind of a secret, but if you want me to hit on you, just message me, I'll add you too my dating space. Not only am I cool and funny on the internet but I also pull in more than your boyfriend or your dad.
I can say stuff like "now that I [earn more than both your parents put together] should I start voting for National?"

of course not. I don't care which garage John Key parks his limousine in at night if you know what I mean. If John Key takes it up the butty then all power to him. He definately looks like a catcher and not a pitcher.
But I'm not fucking voting for the fucker whether he was a butty boy or not. Bourgioes fucker, I bet he ski's or snowboards. I hate Skiers and snowboarders. Insubstantial Bourgioes fucks in your little white out world, I'll lob hoicky great wads of flem spitting at you off the ski lifts you pretentious fucks.

I've been working on my John Key character for my show. I know its cheap laughs but still. Stupid people like to do laughing at TV too, and my show is inclusive.

Maybe I should offer him a blowie. Gay guys love me, for the same reason I love young girls. I look like I'd fall for it. I look I'd buy what John Key's selling.

I could get famous as the guy who blew John Key.

I'd stick a guys cock in my mouth to get famous. You got to be prepared to make sacrifices to get ahead. Ay, John?

But totally off the subject, christ! Fucking Lord of the RIngs roleplayers. I'm on my special dating profile, tuning the young single ladies of Auckland, when I keep on coming across these hotties that are not hotties but in fact weirdo fuckers running round myspace pretending to be sexy elves with stupid names and rattling out all sorts of para-tolkienesque nonsense that adds up to mutant hybrid of The Hobbit and fuckin' Home and Away.
Long story short? I am not getting lucky with any middle earth elf princess goddesses which are more likely to Harry Potter loving 12 year olds from fuckin pakuranga.

Roleplaying. It's a fuckin sickness.

Don't forget!!!!

Bloodsport from Australia are bringing brutal hardcore to the Ellen Melville hall this saturday supported by a robust line of bands who probably eat babies or something, at least they have bad ass sounding names.

And at Rising Sun on Friday there is a massive Hip Hop showcase. Girlsies get in free before 11!

Jim has left False Start. He was my favourite! I mean of course given the choice I would fuck David first but Jim had the kind of . . . "geek chic"?

Y'know you could tell he was the downtrodden loser standing in the shadow of andrews ego who didn't get to tap the finery like Rachel. I identify with that, thats how I used to be before myspace.

My best friend from Primary, Lubin, turned up drunk the other night saying he wanted kill himself and stole $5 off my bedroom table before he left!

Anyway. Standing next to david wong is a bad idea. David Wong makes me look ugly. Imagine poor little Jim.
What I'm waiting to see is if False Starts songs get even crappier, y'know because the one guy who doesn't have to spend most of his time either cradling his hulking ego or dealing with a raft of body/age related issues has left the band.

Don't worry Gerard Way is like 30 and pudgy, I'm sure he still gets to fuck barely legals!

And why wouldn't you ay?

Why the fuck wouldn't you?

unposted october rant

2007-11-16T04:30:00.001+13:00

THIS IS A UNPOSTED RANT FROM OCTOBER. IT'S A BIT RANTY BUT WHATEVER. MAYBE YOU'RE BORED. HEY, I DUNNO WHAT YOU DO FOR KICKS.

Okay uhhh the fact that my star is back on the rise I can afford to be a little less candid about tiger penis activities.

I don’t give a fuck I mean with all the things I’ve said I never got beaten up and I never got ambrozia back either but hey. At least I make more money than you do.

well actually - as it turns out – I wrote this last night and I got woken by call this first thing this morning (well round 12ish) that instability on the tiger penis market has PUSHED PRICES UP ANOTHER 50%.

Can you fuckin believe it? Sweet jesus and all the angels!!!

Anyway . . .

Did you know that the Bleeders have a new album out!!! Go buy it NOW. Download the new single free:

http://www.myspace.com/bleedersmedia

. . . y'know I really want one of those red bull fridges. I mean sure, I get naked pictures of celebrities forwarded to me now, but when you're really a big player in the industry they give you a red bull fridge that they come and fill up every week. I'd still drink V, but still, you always notice all the players have these red bull fridges all like "wanna red bull? Wanna take one with you?". I wanna fucking red bull fridge.

Oh and you can catch me guesting by streaming on the “beat dungeon” upfm.dj every Sunday 4-6. Where I try to be funny and shit and DJ fuckin all kinds of Drum’n Bass and Electro and downbeat and Whitney Houston and Prince and whatever the fuck I want, basically, just not emo and shit.

I'm also having some problems with some court proceedings against me from this fucker in Avondale so if there's anyone keen to bust this guys face open to send a message that you do not fuck with the Tiger Penis Kids, please get in touch.

On top of that theres this local band Cyanide City who owe me money and I’m sure you’ll be leaving a little drool patch to hear things are about to go pear shaped and the dark side of the tiger penis about to rear its ugly head there also.

But I don’t want to hear about it!

Im riding high on the crest, I aint touchin down on that "new messages" button. I ain't!

I'll let you know when I'm ready to recieve your audience.

But if you’re some hot young shallow bitch who wants to date some rich guy who’s cool on the internet add me to msn - i'lll let you know I'm approved to pick up the new beamer. Nothing screams of desperation for acknowledgement like a BMW.:

realitycompound@hotmail

oh or if you wanna help with the tv show. otherwise just shut up and listen.

These cunts owe me $400 man, and what have we already learnt? Being a poor broken ass fuck does not lend itself to scenely supremacy – I don’t care about all you fuckin hippies and all you straight up and down bitches from the suburbs in your little pulsars who think you’re looking for something more like you just stepped out of fucking American beauty – because that’s $400 I’m further away from my next Beamer – which is gonna look well good wrapped around a ponsonby lamp post with a dead model hanging out of the windscreen.

I’ve never used the tiger penis for harm. Like when I sold drugs back in uni and people owed me money I’d just send some big ass scary fucker to go round to their house to make sure they paid.

Being master of the Tiger Penis is a great responsibility, almost god like, knowing you have such powers to fucking break these guys over $400. I'm not going soft on this. I just want it sorted.

Cunts owe me cash, and if I’m gonna get a shallow and ridiculously hot bitch like ambrozia back on my arm – that’s gonna take more than some pathetic fuck with only a few grand here and there in the bank and my share portfolio looking the way it is.

So I’m trying to conduct serious tiger penis business at the top levels of society and shitty little fuckin Wellington fucks are getting all worked up over some pissy shit because I cant solve all the worlds problems with one sweep of my tigers penis.

But the good reputation of the tiger penis is of deepest concern to my continued affairs, and begrudgingly I must sprinkle a little tiger penis loving on those ungrateful fucks so that the good name of the mighty RC Tiger Penis remains holy and sacred to all those who know it is to be respected and feared.

Wellington. I seriously fuckin hate Wellington now. They’ve been dissing me down there. Like its Auckland attitude, but it’s a little shithole. You can either be cool and live in Auckland, probably on a decent earn, or live in the South Island with all the other poor white hicks borrowing cups of sugar off each other and making pikelets and seeing how many you can hang off each others cocks. But not Wellington, I mean seriously? Whats there to be pretentious about? It's a shithole!

Okay I’m off again. Just keeping things alive on the RC page while we’re waiting to begin implementing the second chapter of the RC history book.

Aw shucks + trademe: where kiwis buy, sell and stalk

2007-11-16T04:22:00.000+13:00

You guys have gotta shut up.

Just recently. I miss you guys too. I miss writing the bulletins and all that. Just over the last week or so y’know.

Seeing one of my old bulletins reposted in some random chicks blog. Getting recognised here and there. Opening up my myspace messages for the first time in months to see not threats and reprimands but but . . . you really like me . . .

Oh Christ, I was only hoping Ambrozia may have written to me! Shut up, I love her! I know most of you don’t know what that means so fuck you. I won’t go on about it. But check it I got some mean tiger penis pics:

Oh that’s last bulletin. Sheesh sorry.

check it out at the tiger penis kids official myspace page and make sure you add them on up for imminent youtube excitement!

http://www.myspace.com/tigerpeniskids

oh come on one more time:

But yes. anyway. If it was meant to be, then the mighty power of the tigers penis will lead me to her.

Maybe that’s why I want it so badly. Y'know, my show that is. The reason I stopped dicking around on myspace. That I would get my shit together and return triumphant . . . and searching, but not going anywhere . . . the only triumph is reality. The only story is the truth. And I’m searching for a truth that is in what I want, because what I want is who I am.

What the fuck am I on about? Basically, I like being rich now and having all the status and naked celebrity pics the tiger penis has bought me, but . . . I'm an attention whore with delusions of grandeur, and thats the path that lies before me.

What the fuck happened? See this is classic Matt. I was gonna get excited. About telling you that everything is falling into place. The casting for The Tiger Penis Kids team has been pretty successful. Things are happening.

HEY WAIT A SECOND . . .

OH MY FUCKING GOD. YOU IDIOT. Why didn’t I think???

Ambrozia’s got a personalized fucking plate!!!

I can just get her address from her registration up at the post office!!!

AND AND AND wait . . . what if I google it . . . . .

. . .

OH MY GOD SHE FUCKING PUT IT ON TRADEME

TRADEME YOU MOTHERFUCKIN BITCHES!!!!

YESS!!! YESS!!!

I FOUND HER!!! I FOUND HER ON FUCKIN TRADEME!!!!

Do I tell her? Do I have to buy the fucking ladies trousers just to get her to speak to me?

Did I not fucking say the tiger penis would lead me home? I didn’t realise it would like happen 20 seconds later . . . well . . .

such is the mysterious magic of the tiger penis!!!!!!

strange and mystical are it's ways!!!

Why did it happen now? Because it was meant to be.

I have an overwhelming urge to sabotage this with a smug comment. I mean come on, thats why my fans love me. I always manage to fuck it up for myself.

How about:

“Will you marry me? And do you have a buy now?”

“Can I pick up? How about dinner at 8?”

“Well I do want to get into your pants . . .”

I guess I’m just stoked. I did it. I found her. I’m sir Sherlock the Sleuthmaster, and that is how I shall be known from henceforth.

But I am commited to my show. I am commited to engineering the moment when I turn up to buy those trademe trousers into a moment of aching youtube gold.

In all honesty it will be pretty boring if I get the girl straight away without a good stalk.

It would be much more sinister if I sent someone to buy the pants and I like got all freaky voodoo on that shit. And creeped around in her yard in the middle of the night with the trousers on my head.

But with fundamental difference - the cameras will be rolling this time.

RC is hotting up for summer, baby. Heat on the beat.

The Tiger Penis Kids are coming!

2007-11-16T03:28:00.000+13:00

THE TIGER PENIS KIDS FROM REALITY COMPOUND TELEVISION ARE COMING!

The tiger penis kids

are lots and lots of fun

the tiger penis kids

its fun to sing along

The tiger penis kids

they love to sing and play

Because the tiger. Penis. Kids . . .

They always get their way!

when your sleeping

the tiger penis knows

he's spammin you on myspace

and thats the way it goes

he's sending out a comment

and a friends request

and you wake up in the morning . . . with an add from who'd guessssss????

But

the . . .

Tiger Penis Kids . . . (repeat chorus)

Now that’s what I’m talking about! A delicious Tigers Penis at the pre production stage.

Tiger Penis at the production stage – Khan the Tiger is enjoying a relaxing full body massage before we whip his todger off because the world needs more Tila Tequila’s.

This is Santosh and Sanjay in high spirits, happy in their work at RC Tiger Penis industries Bangalore branch. While they work preparing the dessicated Tiger penises by a grinding process into a fine powder they love listening to the brand new albums out now from Bleeders and Goldenhorse.

A delicious range of Tiger Penis products – be a samurai in the boardroom AND the bedroom with official RC brand Tiger Penis products and merchandise.

Next episode coming up is so exciting. A new address to the old fans and live footage from last night’s stalky stakeout.

No one wants to know your life story

2007-10-02T19:29:00.001+13:00

I know. But I am excited about getting my TV show off the ground. I can be cool again if I want but it comes down to the central tenant of todays reading.

being a cool kinda D-list psuedo celebrity is an economic proposition.

So this is all . . . back story okay? When I’m back to my former glory this stuff will start to matter again.

I’m sorry I haven’t checked my messages I’m just shit scared theres some new fuckin scenewhore wannabe piece of shit wanting to fuck me up or I dunno some fuckin muppet who doesn’t get I’m from the Lynn and I call people fags and niggers and currymunchers all the fuckin time and that’s just my mother.

So many stupid fucks out there need a crusade. Why don’t you just leave it alone and stop playing with it?

WHat? Yeah! It’s gratuitous offense for the sake of itself, it’s about as relevant as last weeks fashion crisis, it’s a point for the pointless, it’s a hope for the hopeless, open the fucking curtains, wake up and smell the irony of your own fucking pointless existence.

But I'm fucked in the head. This is what happens when you lead the kind of worthless shallow lifestyle I do but at least it's funny;

Thats why I’m making a TV show.

Yeah Myspace is fuckin done but what you might want to realise is that I am merely limbering up for another tier of completely baseless claims to recognition – but with pride and respect for myself to make the necessary preparations as not to look like a complete fucking nonce. but half you fucks with the attention of a fucking goldfish theres no fucking pleasing you, oh cruel, cruel are the ways of the scene!

I have to run around on youtube next like some kind of whore clown desperate for approval. So lucky I like the sound of my own voice as it echoes through the empty caverns of myspace.

I’m like . . . so last year. Myspace is fuckin last year. Don’t worry. Do you think I would insist on going on and fucking on about the tiger penis if it didn’t have a point? If I didn’t have a hope, swaggering like while wankers around the world are still prepared to fake it, then pretentious bullshit will prevail?

Facebook, Bebo, yeah yeah whatever. I got the tiger penis, I’ll see you in the spotlight. Jesus fucking Christ.

New Tiger, same penis. Don't you worry. We'll be catching up soon on the flipside.

So back to the story. Lets fucking just get to the point shall we? You may not give a flying fuck about what brought me to this point but what have we learned from my fuck uppy ways???

My point is: BEING POOR IS NOT SCENE.

If you leave a decent well paying job under the drug addled illusion you are an actual internet celebrity, and existence pans out with your pretentious, sleazy and arrogant diatribes ending in you as a poor and fucked up fuckeroo who does not go to pathetic industry do's and date models such as the non junction of this dead end I have arrived at . . .

You need to be on a good 50-60k earn before you can even pretend to act like you know. I could sit around shooting shit on myspace till the fucking casket drops but when you’re poor avoiding looking like a fucking joke at the crucial point can become a hopeless ordeal. Auckland, K rd, full of poor stupid pretentious wannabe losers who just haven’t got close enough to 30 yet to realise that theyre a fuck up and they always have been. A lot like myspace really.

I’m not the only one. Fortunately, not I says he. Fortunately I am not the one crying into his coffee because the dream is over, and I have to beg my boss for my old salary when in fact it has only just begun.

I don’t write this shit because I was destined for less than greatness.

I was given a gift. A gift of the Tigers penis, that I may find strength when I am weak, friends when I am lonely, and beauty and glamour where once was the domains of gruesome drudgery.

The Tiger penis, my lifeline, keeps my dreams alive, because I chose my moment not to continue to fuck around on myspace waiting for it to all to come crashing down. I took my Tiger penis and I put it to use!

And as soon as I can afford to make my presence felt with the weight that belies more than your average squealing fuckwit, I’m sure you’ll know about it.

Now as you were. Lets get back down to it.

No one wants to know your life story

2007-10-02T19:29:00.000+13:00

Tiger Penis strikes back: Don't call it a comeback part 1

2007-09-25T17:01:00.000+12:00

Okay having recovered from the psychological and financial attrition of the latest round of short circuit gigs . . .lets not make to much fuss, lets just get back down to business.

You probably may or may not have realised that Reality Compound was a concept hatched by a bunch of executives – of which I was one - from within the Auckland offices of one of the major record companies, keen to experiment with how social network marketing could be applied in new and experimental ways to promote new acts.

It might not surprise you that it’s not the same record label that Elemeno P are on.

But yeah, that’s why I’ve got 17,000 friends because I’m like so popular, and like, my music is so good and everybodies heard of me . . . like it wasn’t after an industry party I wasn’t at all approached by the regional director of my division, happy with my progress, having added over 3000 hot chicks from Auckland individually by hand, just like False Start do.

He liked what he saw. A young executive straight out of AUT with a communications degree, top of my class, major in public relations management. That’s when he told me. Young executives working in a high pressure industry such as music can’t go it alone. Even the brightest need a helping hand.

That’s when I was introduced to the secret of powdered tiger penis. How and where Goodnight Nurse got their hands on such a product is a question to which the answer still eludes me.

The penis changed my life. Models, money, fame, eyeliner, threats of violence from Scotty Rocker.

Oh and a little thing called fakexcore.

Because it’s not like anything really matters, as long as everyone thinks your cool. And you look hot. And you’re not poor.

It was like some Acopolypse Now shit, I went into the jungle and I never came back. I journeyed into the heart of darkness that is social networking and it claimed me. It all happened so quickly. Was I good kid from Western Springs College, top student, school president, with a solid future ahead of me . . . or was I Fakexcore pseudo celebrity on the internet desperate to do anything to be recognised?

Okay that’s all for now!!! To be continued . . .

I gotta keep my bullies short from now or else the stupid mindless teenage fucks who read this shit will just go back to getting fucked off their faces and taking pictures of their ass and not paying me the attention I deserve.

Don't forget to catch me as a regular guest on the beat dungeon sundays 4pm NZ time - stream it at upfm.dj!!!

Lots of exciting new news in Pirate play, collecting debts from Auckland bands strung out on the tiger penis, top floor fun at the Cleo party, my chances of getting a date with Vicki Lee after her elaborate plan to implicate me as a rapist of 13 year olds, and much much more including of course your opportunities to get involved with RCTV!!!

Which celebrities would you like to see end up looking like the shit eating fucks they really are? Would you like a date with me and the film crew?

Are you young, good looking, love the camera and lots of fun to be around?

If you fit the following description you could be perfect for a PERMANENT role on RCTV as a part of the RCTV Tiger Penis Kids ensemble!!!

1: Currymuncher or possibly Towelhead
2: Fag
3: Bulimic/Anorexic underage skank, liberal with the application of blow jobs

Oh and editors. And maybe like people to do animated sequences and shit.

Don’t worry RCTV’s porn star idol is coming to a high school near you for try outs!!! Wanna get famous fast? Think you can fuck? RCTV is here to make one lucky kids dream come true!!!

Talk soon! Love ya, Matt RC

Millie Holmes vs. Powdered Tiger Penis - update

2007-06-25T21:57:00.000+12:00

Just an update from me I had to ease up work was killing me, slaving all day over a hot tiger penis!!

Oh - who the hell am I and why am I on your friends list? I’m Matt from RC. I’m like a big deal on myspace. I used to write these dumb fuckin bulletins and pick up chicks now I just pull all these strings in the background for the benefit of anyone who can afford my exorbitant fees, grinding on powdered tiger penis served in a ginseng green tea, and dreaming of my dumb fuckin Reality Compound TV show where I go round being a stupid annoying fuck and everyone loves me.

But when Ambrozia walked back onto myspace and then deleted me from her life again it hit me hard, hooked on powdered tiger penis, caught up in the madness, one day a small player on the tiger penis scene, the next, part of something that was bigger than me. Bigger than RCTV. Bigger than penis pills from websites with names that make no sense. Bigger than profile trackers and $500 gift vouchers.

Possibly even bigger than Nigeria.

But not bigger than Myspace. The spam had to stop. And as the Titans of Myspace and Fox went head to head with the world’s most powerful spamlords, could one tigers penis stand astride in this maelstrom????

May 21st 2007: After meeting maverick webmaster, raver, convicted drug dealer, free porn advocate and celebrity spambuster Lolo (www.myspace.com/burntpickle ), Tom Anderson of myspace instigated an intensive security campaign to rid myspace of spammers for good - he who once who said of friendster upon his ownage of them:

“They had no room for fakesters” says founder Tom Anderson. “If a dog or a city or an idea had a page, they would delete it. People said, I’m going to go to MySpace. I can do what I want there.”

And so from this day, Tom too would own and vanquish the spammers, driving them from myspace, with fuckin annoying captcha codes, the triumphs of ’06, those heady days of fakexcore a hollow cry, and I clinging desperately to my tigers penis and a dream that one day I too would be famous and would be able to laugh at everyone who was ever mean to me.

In this weeks episode we find our hero Matt RC in deepest India searching for the secret source of the magical tiger penis. The raw power of its mighty thrust.

My man Mitul all up in Bangalore, he connects to my boy Santhos. Got a little 3 piece rock outfit going on. Want make big famous in America. That’s why he’s lucky they got me, and while they oversee the establishment of RC’s first powdered tiger penis processing plant on site in Bangalore on our behalf - using only the finest tigers penises prepared by clean and well fed labour - I’m trying to work out how in fuck I’m going to make this Indian rock shit massive with the kids on Be- Myspace. I got Magnus, Tuut, Luut and all the gang gagging for the tiger schlong, you can’t fuckin imagine how much those crazy Scandinavians will put down for a good piece of tigger dick. All the whale blubber in Norway. Hey its not the blubber I want. If you’ve got exotic cock then I wanna grind it into powder and make that paper.

You see all I care about is having a hot girlfriend. And all girls care about is having a boyfriend who's cashed up, it's true I heard it in a Black Eyed Peas song. I love the 21st century.

But I'm a man of ideals. Thats why every cent goes to keeping the dream of RCTV and the story of the Tiger Penis Kids alive. You can now JOIN the Tiger Penis Kids official myspace page! Free Millie Holmes!!!

www.myspace.com/tigerpeniskids

That’s whats wrong with this country. We don’t want Millie Holmes NOT to be on TV, we want the opposite of Millie Holmes being not on TV; We want Jason Gunn back on the crack where he belongs at primetime getting fucked off his dial “Milling about” with Ms. Holmes, and don’t you dare say mean things about because I will address the issue by striking you across the jaw, as obviously me and Millie Holmes powercoupling it would be so hot it would cause Auckland to burn up in a nuclear fireball in which thereafter no life would flourish in the area for 500 years.

I'm DJing at Foci in Beresford Sq. again on Saturday so pop your head in you wanna no what a REAL guy who pretends to be a star looks like.

Riffing on intro

2007-05-19T06:53:00.000+12:00

Okay.

Emo Matt aka "Mutt Ersay" [Matt RC]

"Like . . . - Hi! I’m Matt! Remember me when those like samoan guys chucked me in that bin?

That was like . . . SO embarrassing! so guess what? I so like totally quit my job and became cool on the internet!!!!!

Yeah! I wanted to be like cool, like in a band and have like . . . these sweeping passionate interludes and fascinating and mysterious journeys of purpose and understanding, romantic, meaningful . . .

I wanted to be LIKE A TOTALLY SUPER FAMOUS MEGA UBER STAR!!! LIKE, BIGGER THAN THE WORLD!! I wanted to touch the lives of people everywhere and not get charged!

I wanted them to remember ME, MATT!

I wanted my life to be like in the movies!

But I wanted it to be real . . .

AND I GOT SICK OF FRICKIN WAITING ALREADY!!!"

Cue music/montage

Cue titles: "REALITY COMPOUND wv"

*webvision. I should call it "webvision" from now on. or "netvision"? shit/

Analytical, retrogressive . . . defensive and apologetic

2007-05-19T05:56:00.000+12:00

15 months since february '06 when I closed up here??? f&ck it seemed like way longer!!!

Not that my old blogs are nothing short of embarrasing - well thats what I focus on, but I accept it, I accept that embarrasing blog posts are part of reality, I know I'm being analytical and retrogressive . . . but really! Going on about Bart killing himself, I never even met the guy IRL. I forgive myself. I was experimenting.

There were just raw experimentations of what this vehicle was to become. I experimented with using some guy I never mets suicide. Oh well. No one knows.

And I was all cocky about how duplicitious I was toward Scotty, how pathetic. But I was developing and playing with a concept. I was creating the raw elements of the ideas that have now been refined into yet another state from which it will evolve.

At which point some of this will be embarrasing. What if I don't get the girl? And I've got a picture of that cold hearted cow Camille on my page!

(I'm very image conscious. Or; analysis is my preferred coping, reasoning and bargaining method.)

Hmmm. It's part of the story.

This IS Reality.

But is it art or gratification? It's art as gratification.

but UHHH um

this is MY blog and I can do whatever f{}ck I like. Because I'm like developing. And everyone will be like "look at him rambling and raving and even RANTING in his old blogs!"

I'm sketching. I'm riffing here!

And I wont care. It's my reality and I'm doing what I want with it.

And I would like to . . .

get the girl in the end, and put it on TV.

I believe in streamling, I believe in the concept of a unified creative entity as a vehicle for everything I need to say. I see TV (when I say TV I mean videography - youtube etc.) as the broadest base to work from. So lets ask the question before we get to the answer. That is . . . what am I trying to say.

WHAT IS THE SHOW ABOUT.

I am definately trying to get the girl. And I am definately trying to say something.

Okay I think we got that. Lets try again. What are you trying to say?

That there is a need for me to get the girl and there is a need for me to have something to say and we're going to examining that in a broader uhhh hypercultural context of social and sexual economics.

Let me see. It's a personalised social critique.

And its a dramatized social critique and it is stylistically gratuitous and indulgent, and that is the conciousness of the statement that is being made. Now thats enough bloody chit chat. lets get on with it.

We can pick the analytical bones later, I should really save my energy for the backlash. And addressing the issues that matter to people other than me. i mean y'never know, those may be the ones that actually do.

BACK! SO back.

2007-05-19T05:27:00.000+12:00

People, I'm launching, I'm updating, I'm evolving . . . the RC blogspot has just gone live - abruptly erupting into activity after dormance . . .

storming out of myspace, a trail of dirty cash and spam, in another episode, jettisoned no less at the mercy of media without gravitas . . . nothing but a string of words.

But look! How long since my last post? Since silly stories of some guy, of some band, from whence that which I became oh how the winds of time have sculpted this fine stone to mark this day the one I flew now free from the clutches of MYSPACE!!!!

. . . only the memory of my beloved ambrozia its haunting call . . .

So know this Tom, as the spambots spider your links, I shall have her, I shall taste her lips IRL, I will see the sparkle in her eyes when she LOLz.

But you shall not walk her to my altar, my old friend. For it shall be the shining . . . oh fuck it.

I didn't come here to go on.

Youtube . . . here I come. I'm serious.

Matt from Reality Compound is back on the m-therf0ckin' blogspot!!!!

I'M MAKING MY SHOW!!!!

and thats all you gotta know. RC-TV BABY.

HEY! LET'S GO!!!!

RC POWER TO THE FUTURE: ON!!!!!

here is my myspace http://www.myspace.com/realitycompound for your reference.

2006-02-04T15:17:00.000+13:00

Romantech writes:

"Hey all, Romantech here, group manager. Sorry this blog's been a bit quiet but the boys have been busy as working on the new "Get Real" Reality Compound CD-Rom, and trying to get their new TV project off the ground.

Evil Robot is pretty much been rendered useless by the stranglehold of his affections for Ambrozia, but rest assured life goes pretty much on the same . . . a couple of synth jam parties rendered interesting results that you can check out of course on myspace, but otherwise the boys continue to act like pretentious gits, chase would be groupies, and conduct their hipster lifestyles.

We'll be keeping this blog up to date with a few classic bulletins, and when the current schedule has been cleared, start cranking it once again . . .

8

2005-12-19T17:21:00.000+13:00

Evil Robot of S.O.S. writes:

"Well I don't know who knows or who cares, but our mate Bart killed himself last weekend and that was kind of messed up for us because most people who do that shit have nothing, and aside from the melodrama it's not really a big thing. But we met Bart through myspace, and he was working with us on the new Mental Illness compilation coming out on 0474:8455 which he and we both have tunes on. Not only was he working on awesome beats and cut up Jazz but he also played in local shoegaze band Doctor What who Matt Further of course really wanted to start working with as well because they were on the same kind of tip. But yeah, fuckin shitty buzz.

But I refuse to let the taut lines of destiny slacken . . . Myspace is exploding our reality and people on the scene are starting to talk about Reality Compound as we flex the awesome wrath of our might. As long as we always profess our music to be shit, and we pay no heed to the scene as if it were any more than the shit on our shoes, the excrement created by the very reality we consume, we will prevail in good stead.

As with many of my most brilliant schemes, I will decline to elaborate in detail. But I refuse to let any aspersions be cast on the validity of our subcultural crusade on mypace.

We have owned the scene boy Scotty Rocker hard, by sheer brilliance of our wit. In a precedent, we have leveraged his bulky ego to a point he now believes we our earnest in our intentions. After an initial abusive reproach we broke him and his arguments down until he clasped us to his bosom in the spirit of goodwill. This as I say, lays the template for how we shall deal with such scenesters, luring them into thinking that they are in on the joke that is actually on them, in a dizzying sojourn of irony and satire.

New song "Get some pussy" featuring 4.5hz has gone down a treat and keeps our fortunes bouyant . . .

Yeah, I don't know what's happening with me and Ambrozia . . . um, well . . . like I met her and shit, and of course it became so much weirder and real, she was just honestly so incredibly beautiful and intelligent, I didn't know what the hell to make of it . . . I must admit I almost stopped believing for a second that women had not been created to crush my soul into the dirt . . . when I hear reports back from Dan that apparently she was seen having coffee on K rd . . . with Romantech . . . fucking bitches. They're all the same. All I'll ever have is my art . . . and a dream . . . of this compounded reality . . . "

7

2005-12-10T04:01:00.000+13:00

Matt from The further:

"It rains. Inside I ask.

The house is empty but my housemates are full of pride and platitudes, their egos ballooned by the endless attentions of Myspace. Like puddles on the floor they sit absorbed in themselves, calling after their internet fantasies, cradling dreams of beauty and bliss and emotional salvation.

But Hazel is nowhere to be seen.

I think of a girl. I listen over old recordings, and as if rummaging in a sack, broken appliances and discarded belongings of the soul, I sense through you Auckland, I wonder where she is now. Has she forgotten already what tender joinings found in the depths of the curtained night?

And it rains. And lovers embrace, feeding off each others heat, gently stroking one another in an unacknowledging thanks for loneliness now lost, now banished, now forgotten, now forgone.

And as the pools gather outside on the street I think of lonely pools gathering in her eyes, an embrace that asked me to absorb her, absolve her of her pains, make her pure again in my arms. For desperate, relentless and hard is the empty envelope of the night. A lost girl runs amidst the darkness, she hides but wants to be found. A boy swims through her pain bound by a need, only to be needed, to be looked to, to rest her mind, to make her safe.

But never happy, never rested, never satiated, her pain yawns like a chasm, for him to create something incredible, something unreal, something false: A picture of a happy past that she never owned. And however though his love may flow through the crevices, seeping into her soul filling every gap he can only hold her in his arms and hope for a moment she can forget, and remember that he loves her."

6

2005-11-29T05:51:00.000+13:00

Matt from The Further writes:

The last couple of weeks have been pretty hard out really, Hazel was supposed to hook up with me and I’m really looking forward to working on some new songs, and like maybe with Rob talking about us using Myspace to organise our own gigs and stuff, doing some songs live or something, and like, hooking up with heaps of other cool local bands like Doctor What and The Chalk.

That guy Romantech is such a smug prick. He’s been around here heaps, I don’t know why if he’s such a hot shot DJ and making tunes for Ripcurl (who cares about a gay surfing label that makes shitty surfer clothes anyway) he’s always hanging around here, acting all like - “why the fuck would Hazel wanna do tunes with you, you’re like, nobody . . . “

I’d tell him to fuck off but I think he’s hooking up some shit for to come on this show that he’s doing with !39z (or whatever, I don’t get it either) next year and then maybe a tour as well.

But it was because of Myspace they asked us to come on C4 (the music TV channel) and talk about it, but then Romantech found out about it and he went into the station to try and make sure it was all happening, but then it didn’t. Robot reckoned he went in there to get himself on instead of us and he fucked it up so they just said forget it and got someone else.

Robot fully likes this chick on Myspace, which is funny as because he’s usually all like how they’re all bitches and whores and only good for one thing. Funny.

5

2005-11-15T06:04:00.000+13:00

Evil Robot of S.O.S. writes:

"We have done it! Style Over Substance have triumphed again with their massive new single “I Need My Space” !!!

The last weekend was a fucking joke, right. I'm trying to get a jam together and these bastards are all sitting round on the internet getting juiced. Knowlie spends pretty much the whole fucking weekend sitting there talking to birds on Myspace avidly relaying every detail about each chick on there. He amasses a collection of over 300 mostly teenage girls on our page, and come Sunday he has attained some 16 year olds phone number and announces he’s off to hook up with and see if he can convince her to blow him in the park.
“It’s what kids do these days.” He shrugs.

Come Monday it’s a write-off. Turkey and Dale are all miserable with sexlesss man angst and Matt keeps skulking off to his room to play depressing hang myself music and cry into his wheaties because I was rude about his beloved Hazel.

But finally . . . the breakthrough. We were working on some Trancey kind of arppy shit, and we just came up with this glam slammer, real electro rock disco shit like “Bodyrockers – I like the way you move.”

It’s awesome – check it out on our Myspace page. It’s all about how the kids are hooked on the ‘space and shit, it slams! Best tune we’ve written in ages.

Once it was done we went out to celebrate. Matt, Turkey and Dale went to the Malenky Robot gig @ Eden’s. Hater, Knollie and I met up with Romantech who got us into the gig @ 4:20. We started getting freaky on the floor, when one of the promoters came up and asked if we had a stamp and wether we’d paid. I told him we were here with Romantech, the DJ, but he wasn’t nowhere to be seen, the fucker. We were escorted out.

I Need My Space. As we walked home we pondered the possibilities that this new website had brought for our crew. I don’t wanna say too much but there was this one girl, I been talking to. I know it’s dumb, like a fucking internet crush, but . . . "

4

2005-11-08T03:33:00.000+13:00

Matt from The Further writes:

"I’m just kinda already getting sick of Rob’s shit man – like he said I had to be in fucking Style Over Substance if I wanted the room and then he says I have to be called “Complete Loser”. That’s my band name. Complete Loser.
I’m just pretty, y’know fuckin’ like – Rob, like Dave from Catguts came round and reckoned that he’d seen Hazel with Sam from Moosmbasil and like, she was saying she was keen to get back into doing vocals and she was gonna be doing shit with that guy Romantech and maybe me! That buzzed me out - but then Rob’s all like – “That slut! We don’t want her here abouts. Not unless we can tank her full of gin and walk her down K rd on a leash for the next S.O.S. video.” I was fucked off. I don’t want his bullshit and I just want to find a vocalist man, and he just shouldn’t be such a rude fuck.

Well I left her a message on Myspace, anyway."

3

2005-11-04T04:29:00.000+13:00

Evil Robot Writes:

"The band is pretty much falling apart. If we don’t get a gig or write a new track, I’m just gonna go fuckin’ loose and stab Turkey in the side of his head with a spork. I’m worried about the bird flu. We need to fight back with nanotechnology. Where the fuck is Dale? I refuse to be taken seriously. Knollie’s solution is to chat up birds on bloody myspace. He’s added two hundred girls in the local vicinity and proceeds to badger them with inane absurdities. They'll think we're fucking desperate stalkers.

We need gigs, but I’m racked with self loathing. Empower the brain! Suppress the disempowering energy! It just happens when everything you’re about is full of shit. Oh well. Do what you do do well. And we do it with distinction.

Maybe Romantech will get us a gig. CD release party for this cd-r coming up, which was gonna be a CD which we were apparently “not professional enough” to be on – . . . it's because he’s working on tunes with Hazel again. That fucking whore. What are our chances of finishing a track with him now? Not that we need the fucking prat."

2

2005-10-31T02:44:00.000+13:00

Matt from The Further writes:

"In weird mood today. The Further slips further away . . . I am drifting, fading like the light . . . The further needs a singer! Delicate, but persuasive enough to lift the listener above . . . Rex – who is my drummer is still I think either in the South Island killing possums or maybe in the Coromandel. Like we’ve got heaps of songs on four track that we were working on, like enough for an album.

I’ve been writing – I’m working on this track “too much love” I’m hearing a sitar inside a big guitar sound, crashing drums, it’s sort of like y’just y’know . . . if you like feel too much, if you are one of those people who feel too much , than you’ve got to hold on to something, y’know . . .

Kids have been saying about Hazel coming back from London. I don’t know if I’m ready to see her. Y’know, I had a dream . . . she ripped it apart with her bare hands . . .

No job. Not really any indie vibes around the city at the moment. There was a gig on at the Misfit theatre but I didn’t end up going, I just sat around feeling sorry for myself. Life Sucks I want to die. Haha just joking."

1

2005-10-28T07:10:00.000+13:00

Evil Robot of S.O.S. writes:

"Little Matt is almost moved in and our new myspace site is pretty much set up, so all can hear two of our slamming new wave electro anthems “Molly & John” and um . . . “Wolf/owl”.

http://www.myspace.com/realitycompound

There's also two of Matt's four-track recordings. But I’m fascinated in the concept of the Further as a band. Drummer AWOL, sure, but no bass player? Singer required? I have dubbed Matt the Complete Loser for Style Over Substance and I can’t remember why or if that’s right but I thought of it at the A-klass gig at Odeon and the cap fits.

Some fuckers gone and put Catguts and the big “bug” theory up in The Fix gig guide as to be playing at the Odeon on Friday. Dave knows nothing. I suggest we come heavy. Some Jokers having a laff and we gonna be up in his face getting electro funky. Possibly. We need some fucking gigs man. I’m not kidding. A few months ago we had a buzz. Where’s our buzz going? Where’s our heat?

I don’t think Romantech is gonna finish those tunes we were working on. He doesn’t take us seriously. Wait till we’re toast of the B-net. Then we’ll see whose serious . . ."

The Further

2005-10-24T19:13:00.000+13:00

THE FURTHER

All songs written and recorded by Matt Turner.

Influences: Ride and Slowdive are our gods, Early Boo Radleys, then Chapterhouse, My Bloody Valentine, Jean Paul Sartre Experience . . . Radiohead, maybe Pulp kind of and oh, that other British band, you know the one. Shut up. Indie Shoegazer Dreampop. Still a fence-of-noise rather than a full blown wall at this point. Creation Records, Alan Moulder, Bowl Cuts, Anoraks, Art School, Monogamy, Ambiguous Lyrics, Rain Metaphors, Morrissey more so than Robert Smith. And we fuckin' hate those gallagher twats.

Why this name? I don't know . . . it sort of hints at an ambiguous depth . . . while possessing certain phonetic qualities . . . it carries meaning, but the point of which . . . isn't clear . . .

Do You play live? Well um . . . we have done one show, but we're kinda looking for a new singer at the moment. And I need either someone to play bass or guitar. If we could get a drummer, that would be good too.

How, do you think, does the internet (or mp3) change the music industry? I don't really use the internet that much, I'm more about, y'know . . . communing with the music, y'know. But we're gonna be doing some shit like this blog and we're doing a profile on that myspace thing, which is kinda weird because I'm not really sure if I'm ready to start letting people hear the songs and stuff . . . especially with no vocals . . .

Would you still sign a record contract with a major label? It really depends on what you mean by Major, I mean if we're selling records like Coldplay then we have to be in a position to take a step back and ask ourselves if we have remained true to the vision of putting together the world's greatest Indie Shoegaze band . . .

Style Over Substance

2005-10-24T18:51:00.000+13:00

STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE:

Head of Research & Development: Evil Robot Research Staff: Kyle Machlachlan M*F*, Knowledgable Individual, Turkey Berserkey, Poon Tang Marx, The Mad Hater. Research Aides & Partners: MC I'm Ian Curtis, MC Wes Make-Up, Complete Loser, DJ Romantech, Robobot, Catguts and the Big Bang Theory

Influences: Devo, Suicide, Van Halen, The Cars, Laurie Anderson, Vangelis, Jan Hammer, 80's Whitney + Prince, Human League, Milli Vanilli, Ladytron, Kraftwerk, Afrika Bambataa, Fischerspooner, Peaches, Chicks on Speed, Adult, Joy Division, The Cure. Electro, Electroclash, Electrotrash, Synthpop, New Romantic, New Wave, Darkwave, Classic Goth, Breakdance, Electro-funk, Boogaloo, Acid House and Proto-rave, anything overtly 80's, anything with an electric "robot" voice. Faux modernism, 80's sleaze, porn, fetish and post-feminism - AND none other than mr. TOMMY VERCETTI! "GTA: Vice City","American Psycho","The Wedding Singer".

Style over Substance have been referring to themselves as "Nu trash art terrorists" for 18 months since their inception, which they feel makes them sound like a bunch of tossers, which of course, they are.
Under the pretense of a band or group, SOS "research staff" Evil Robot, Kyle Mclachlan MF, Knowledgeable Individual, Turkey Berserkey, Poon Tang Marx and The Mad Hater have bound together with a steely will to foist their brand of hapless post-intellectual frolics into the bemused gaze of contemporary connoisseurs of electrotrash, synthcore and darkwave, regurgitating molested platitudes from European style rags to describe themselves as "a celebration of artificiality" and "a coincidence of disposable reality."
Consisting of a frenetic cross hatching of unhindered retrospective sub cultural electronic information, Their performance sets to the stage as those S.O.S. performers who choose to turn up launch into a non stop all singing, all dancing, fully costumed DJ/live performance. Evil Robot, head of SOS research staff revealed candidly "Our Anthem "The Joy F**k Club" was actually completed in less than an hour using A Roland 303, Drum Machine, Vibrator and an interdimensional portal." Bandmate Kyle Machlachlan MF explains: "The result is a sexually charged supernatural experiment."

INTERVIEW with "TECHNOID ROBOBOT". JAN '05

Why this name? You're intelligent enough. I'll tell you. What has killed Dance music? Eh? Over produced, over compressed, plasti-perfect colour by numbers F-ing House and Trance, fiddled over for hours by boring, perhaps pretentious, weedy little men with no lives, engineering their perfectly honed drum sounds. We live our music. We are our music. And that is why our music is shit.

Do you play live? Damn Straight! We are Performers. We are artists. We Live this. We realised we were brought together by a talent that is our gift. But we're not about shocking - shock is a by-product of our attempts to educate. Sexuality is also just a part of that education but we generally stop short of full nudity, and needless to say, the gratuity is completely self conscious and an integral part of the aesthetic - as an example of our thematic dynamic.

How, do you think, does the internet (or mp3) change the music industry? What's the internet? We're all about the digital revolution, the invention of the microchip, and the computer in your mind. We are the internet. And that's why we have no idea what we're on about. And that's what we want people to think about for a second . . . if we can only do that, we can say we made a difference.

Would you still sign a record contract with a major label? We are a Major label. Read what's fucking written on the box. STYLE OVER fricken SUBSTANCE - till the casket drop . . .